What About Now?
by BadLuckVixen13
Summary: Through the multitude of incarnations,a few things has remained constant: Merlin always remembers, Arthur never does,Merlin always has magic,Arthur always dies,and Merlin is always alone. What happens now that no one remembers and Merlin may no longer be able to carry on?Will it be too late to save Merlin this time? Inspired by Daughtry's "What About Now", slash, reincarnation. 1/?
1. Shadows that Fill Empty Hearts

When he was fifteen years old, he asked his mother, "Why on God's green Earth did you give me this ridiculous name?!"

Hunith only smiled, kissed his cheek and sat him down at the table while she fetched some medicinal supplies to take care of Merlin's new flux of cuts and bruises. He pouted petulantly and ever since they started Arthurian Legends in school he'd been begging her to change his name to something "normal" like Henry or Gael or at least a character with a happier end in the story. Yeah, he was named after the most powerful magician in mythology, but he was also named after a madman/bard/war hero/ immortal half-demon that got the shortest end of the stick possible... No, not an end. He just got a billion splinters lodged too deep to pull out but not deep enough to immobilize him from casting spells to save his prattish, dollophead of a King. It was an irritating and painful prick at every wave of the hand, but somehow never enough to stop him.

Merlin hated it.

_I would have said, hell no!_

"Your father named you Merlin because he believed that you would live up to the name... and I've never changed it because I don't doubt his opinion..."

Merlin only huffed as she dabbed at his cuts, "But he gets the short end... of the longest stick the world, Mother...A servant for all eternity? An outsider! Are you saying that my fate is to be the same way?"

Hunith only smiled, "I only mean that you are meant for greatness... I am also surprised that you had to really ask the question considering..."

He huffed and hung his head, waving away the rest of her statement. He knew, he knew... It didn't take a genius to know, though the children at school seemed to know exactly how to taunt him to the edge of his control until he was finding himself more often than not breathing in through his nose, out through his mouth and searching for an inner peace that was being tilted to the side of an emotional disturbance that he couldn't afford. With greatness came great responsibility, great control, and apparently a great amount of bullshit from other people.

_When was it a good idea to fuck with the quiet people?_

When he was born, the doctors said that there may have been something wrong with his eyes... They were gold when he was born and faded to a beautiful blue after a door was slammed shut. His father had promptly said his name would be "Merlin", being that their last name was "Ambrosius", Hunith only winced at the future bullying and teasing that the babe in her arms was sure to endure.

When his father died, Hunith said that he'd cried and cried and the house shook. His eyes glowed and the rain almost drowned Ealdor. As he got older, this thing he called "a disposition" and Hunith called "magic" grew stronger and he had to learn to control it... It had never been easy, but he supposed on necessity of discipline he had to learn to be more laid back that he should have been about everything. As a consequence, he became versed in the art of zen through the studies of martial arts and a few other things that were supposed to keep him always aware and always calm. He had a sneaking suspicion that in the grand scheme of destiny that would come in handy for someone that wasn't him. He was quiet, didn't bother anyone. When he was bullied he didn't get scared, he just gave them what they wanted which was usually monetary. He'd only magic it back into his pocket after they were done with him. No harm, no foul: no anger.

He was fifteen now and was doing everything he could to repress it, to keep it secret and to keep himself sane. Sometimes, every part of him wanted to scream out in anger and rage and sadness sometimes. Sometimes he would just to make it hurt less. There were moments when an unknown depression would set in and it took his mother's soothing words and a very long session of meditation to manage to get himself out of bed. He'd go outside and scream until he was hoarse and the clouds rolled over head. His mother would only say that he had a gift that should be used properly and could get him taken away if the wrong people found out about it. There were days that he really just wanted to die, but of course Merlin in the legend didn't even get to die a proper death, no... he wasted away waiting for the return of his king, or sat int he wrong chair! It made him sick just thinking about it and he realized that even more than his own name and namesake he hated Arthur even more. What kind of prat would just let his best friend or whatever they had suffer like that? If he was Merlin, he would have told the King to go take a really long swim at the bottom of Lake Avalon on the principle of being a total and honest prat! And now he had to write a seven to nine paged essay on a theme in the Arthurian Legend or a relationship... His professor would have his head for what he actually had to say.

**_3 years later..._**

"Graduating at the top of his class, Merlin Emrys Ambrosius."

Merlin winced at his full name but didn't have time to feel more shame than that. There was a thundering of clapping and he shuffled nervously across the stage, careful not to trip, careful not to embarrass himself and careful to wave to his mother from where he was on the stage. That professor from his freshman year of English literature glared at him, still seething over his essay on King's Arthur's flaw and Merlin's short end of the stick, but he didn't really care and after rewriting it and extending it into a full thirty paged research paper that got him accepted into the top university in England, he didn't really care. Apparently, he wasn't the only one that thought that it was a about time that people stopped giving Arthur so much credit and started to pay attention to the always shoved aside wizard Merlin. Fictional character or not, Merlin had become a part of a legacy that had been attached to the Britain line of kings rather than to Merlin himself.

* * *

_In his creation, Merlin is both a madman-prophet with no connection to King Arthur and a great war leader. Traditionally, he is not only immortal, but half-demon, half-human. Whether an adviser, the pseudo-sire of Arthur, or merely court sorcerer, there is no doubt that the figure of the wizard Merlin is encumbered with a fate worse than death: self-enslavement..._

_… I move to say that King Arthur's nobility, in any version of his legend, while not completely owed to Merlin, is reliant more upon Merlin's presence and guidance than any inherited or learned nobility... Whether Arthur is the cognizant descendant of Uther Pendragon, or the result of a magically allowed affair (which Merlin is responsible for), it is important to remember the lines of causality and how they end..._

_Merlin is the creator and renforcement of his servitude out of a misplaced sense of guilt towards Igraine and Arthur. Not only is Merlin's part to play in Arthur's siring ironic (because a man that can see the future would have definitely known what would happen), he becomes a sire of war as well over the outbreak of the war between Uther Pendragon and the husband of the Lady Igraine._

_...In modern characterizations of Merlin, he is quite literally a servant to Arthur and the secret protector of Camelot. Merlin is not only the creator of Arthur's famous sword Excalibur, but the true power behind it..._

_...King Arthur Pendragon is nothing, and would literally be nothing, without Merlin standing as a catalyst, a point of resistance in the system of legend, and the necessary "Other" in the Lacanian sense of definition. Merlin is a sorcerer, a warlock, steeped in the mystical and utterly fantastic with an edge of the demonic and satanic. Arthur is the king of justice, the golden angel that will bring about a golden angel, the light to Merlin's inherent darkness and as such takes the place of privilege of a certain kind of immortality that both relies on Merlin's existence while attempting to thwart it..._

_...Though King Arthur believed in the equality of the Round table, the symbolism behind the act, Merlin will never sit at that table as an equal. He will never sit side by side with the men that rely on his protection and owe him their lives. His place is beside Arthur's chair, watching over the kingdom, over Arthur, and never being equal. He is the legitimizing force that is marginalized. He is the necessary evil, called evil because "good" has to exist for King Arthur to be "The Once and Future King". Merlin, for all his power and wisdom, becomes the dupe of destiny and receives the shortest end of the longest stick in the whole of existence. His share are the splinters digging through his flesh._

* * *

When Arthur Pendragon graduated high school at the top of his class, with every honor imaginable, with a million sports awards, his father told him, "You should have had a perfect GPA, you're slacking."

When he went to college at the top university, buried himself in his work and studies and learning the workings of his father's company, he didn't expect much of a difference. So when he graduated as second in his class to some nameless kid that wasn't even in the country (off defending his dissertation on Arthurian Legends and the construct of Merlin somewhere) a _Merlin Emrys Ambrosius_ who'd had his mother retrieve his diploma and someone else give his speech, his father only shook his head in disgust and told him he was an embarrassment to his name despite all of the other awards and marks he'd gotten, it hadn't been enough. Arthur felt a cringe inside and stuffed down the roiling teenage emotions inside him in favor of saying, "Yes, father" "I will do better, Father" while staring at the old stone floors beneath his feet. Arthur learned early on to hide anything that his father would consider below the Pendragon name from him and his associates' prying eyes. So when he realized that he was less than attracted to the opposite sex, it was no surprise that he'd cut off any sort of public romantic relationship completely. His was more than a double life. Dr. Jekyll was way out of his league. In the day, he was Arthur Pendragon, one of the top students of his school, Uther Pendragon's heir, a competent businessman with a larger flair for diplomacy than his father, stern and obliging in his father's footsteps. At night, his _Hyde_ was a party goer, a friend to all, a leader of a band, a football and rugby player, a philanthropist, an openly sexual man, and a talented man with the crowd.

When his father had fallen ill and Arthur took over the management of the company, he thought it was a chance change things, a chance to gain his father's approval for once in his life, a chance to consolidate his lives into one, but nothing seemed to go right when Uther fell ill. He felt more split between two lives than ever. His secretary had finally had enough of the Pendragon name and quit, screeching at Arthur on his first day of taking over that she'd had enough of his father and this company and she hoped they all burned in hell. He'd never heard from her exactly what had happened between her and Uther, but there were enough rumors to know that Uther was a demon in a freshly pressed suit to her and the rest of the staff of the company. Most were only surprised that she lasted as long as she had. Arthur was more than surprised after he'd gotten a few stories out of Gwen.

After her outburst, he understood almost immediately why everyone was hesitant to say anything to him about anything. Media swarmed him anytime he went anywhere, more than normal. Competitors were prying into his life and having him watched every minute of everyday. His employees avoided saying more than was absolutely necessary any time he was around. Company culture was ice cold and unpleasant until he could see them leaving the building. They probably figured that he would be just like his father and when he stepped into the role full of sleepless nights and floundering, it hadn't taken long for him to start snapping at employees from lack of sleep and exhaustion and frustration as he lost yet another file in the stack of folders, there was another mistake that no one took the time to inform him of, there was just another problem that everyone was too afraid to approach him about.

Today, half of his business consulting team had ended up in a car accident on the way to work that morning. He'd gone to the hospital to see them unconscious in their beds beside one another. The wounds hadn't been fatal, there was no brain damage, but they would not be up to work in a while from blood loss, trauma, and the general migraine that the doctors promised would set in. He could only tell them that he wanted to be kept abreast of their recovery, the company would be paying for whatever the insurance didn't cover, and that he wanted to speak to their families when they arrived.

The husband, and the woman's two children, and wife of the young pair that had ended up in the hospital that morning had been informed around noon and would be at the hospital before six. When he arrived, the pair were awake and a little groggy, but showed no signs of getting worse. The police established them to be not at fault for the accident. They looked at him in his suit as he walked in with terror and hatred and annoyance. He'd kindly told them not to worry about coming back to work until they were fully recovered, making sure to emphasize that their job would wait for them and they weren't fired. The reception to the news was skeptical, but he couldn't help that. He knew his father would have fired them, but the idea went against every sense of fairness and justice he held.

Before leaving, he'd taken the time to walk to his father's room then and look in on him... He wasn't looking any better...but he wasn't looking any worse either. The doctor's said it was a near stroke, or something like it and that he would be fine given time and rest... That had been weeks ago. Before he'd had time to worry more about it, he took a breath and headed back to the office. He didn't bother to look for anyone, only slipping into his office as quickly and as quietly as possible. He took a breath leaning back in his seat, breathing deeply after barely keeping his cool during yet another meeting with someone that he'd rather not deal with.

After a week of dealing with reactions like those and getting a general feel for the company's regard for their C.E.O., Arthur was exhausted. Morgana, his adopted sister, walked into his office with a shake of her head. It had always stumped him why Uther had adopted her as he wasn't exactly the most kind-hearted man, but he'd assumed that she was the daughter of some old business party that had been killed and left it at that. Morgana had never explained it, but there had always been a tension between the two that was more than palpable.

"You... look like shit," she said coming to sit down. "Being Uther is a little too much for you is it?"

He glanced at her teasing, he really didn't want to think about it, "You shouldn't speak ill of him, Morgana."

"Is he dead then?"

Arthur scoffed, he was sure that his father would out live them all just to spite them in the end. "When was the last time you went to see him?"

"Never."

Arthur sighed again, "Morgana..."

"I'm not here to talk about him," she interrupted before he could even start on his tirade leading towards father-daughter dances that she had no interest in. If she ever got married, which knowing Mordred was a definite possibility, Arthur would dance with her, she would give herself away and Uther wouldn't be invited.

"I'm here to talk about you. You've been snapping at employees, snapping at Gwen... that's new... What's going on Arthur?"

"I'm fine..."He winced at that.

Guinevere,nicknamed Gwen... she bore her name with such humble pride as if she really had been a queen in a past life. She'd been working for the company for about six years and was always on point, always polite, always wise and prepared. The three of them had grown up with Leon and they were almost a thing once before he realized that the thought of being with Guinevere, in all her sweetness, wouldn't quench the lust or stop the image of Colin Morgan from turning him on. He told her so and she explained that she was already dating someone and not to worry about it, he was more of a little brother to her anyway. It had shocked him even more that she knew that he was gay than the fact that she was dating to a man he'd known since high school and neither of them bothered to tell him about it. They'd never really been separated since, they rarely fought and Arthur's temper, as rowdy as it could be, had never turned on her. Arthur hadn't meant to snap at her... It was just not the right time to ask him anything about his father.

It had been right after he'd gone to visit the man and for once Uther was strong enough to speak. Arthur had been relieved, happy, smiling until Uther began to speak. He'd demanded to know why Arthur was there instead of at the company, why he was informed that several of the agreements that he would have never signed with certain companies were in fact underway. He'd demanded to know if his son was trying to ruin him while fighting back a hacking cough that sounded like doomsday. He hadn't meant to snap, he hadn't meant to, but he did and he could only stare in horror at the tone he'd used and the look of surprise, shock, and utter understanding in her eyes. It had taken him three days, to sort out his head enough to apologize to her, by then Gwen had already forgotten it and told him to take a day off before he gave himself a heart attack or something. She'd also taken the time to call Morgana from her own company for a much needed intervention.

Morgana took a glance around the office, everything looked like it was in an impossible disarray, insane and out of place but he looked just too tired to care. His tie was loose, his eyes were closed and if she tried hard enough she could think that he was sleeping.

"Let me reiterate... you look like shit."

"Morgana..."

"You need an assistant..."

"Father's quit."

"I said you need an assistant, not Uther. I heard about your team and I know you'll need someone fast. I don't want you trying to tackle this half-armed and get yourself a heart condition. I actually like you."

Arthur glared at her for the comment, but as usual Morgana didn't give a damn.

"I'll tell someone to put out and job posting and I'll do the interviews... no need for you to scare them off before they actually get hired..."

"I don't need an assistant!" He burst out. "And I can handle it myself."

The second part, Morgana had no doubt about. He'd always been able to handle it even if he had to work himself to just past death, he'd do it, because that was who her brother was... That didn't mean that she liked it or that she had to allow him to do such a silly thing, especially when there were plenty of people capable of handling the grunt work that needed to be done.

Morgana looked him over, "When's the last time you wore a suit that wasn't that one? Change of shoes? Had a real meal? Took a bath that wasn't a five minute shower? Went to sleep in your own bed? Seen your apartment? Seen your father's house? Went to see Mom?"

"I..."

"When's the last time you saw Uther?"

"Yesterday..."

Morgana nodded, "And I rest my case. I'll talk to the Knights and let them know that you are to go home... I'm sure Gwaine will have no problem hauling your pretty blonde head to sleep... or Percival."

He rolled his eyes, "Stop calling them the Knights..."

"I will when you get an addition that isn't straight from the Legends... all you're missing is a Merlin. Aren't you all called the Holy Grail?"

He snorted, that was the last thing he needed; though if a sorcerer could somehow fix his life, then he'd... warily take one. He still wasn't sure how he felt about the Arthurian legend that his mother had named him after on her dying breath. He didn't really think that he could live up to the standard of the Once and Future King... he seemed to not be able to live up to any kind of standard at all. Yes, he was famous and on the cover of a few magazines as Uther's son and a businessman of his own, but that didn't make him worthy of the name Arthur, or of the sword Excalibur.

He snorted thinking of the magical sword that was apparently his rightful possession, forged in a dragon's breath...He shook his head, such foolish things came to mind when he was too tired to think anymore. Besides the band name had been a gimmick, Gwaine had been the one to come up with it when they'd started out in his garage in high school. He laughed at the memory. Gwaine had been hammering out some solo that he just felt compelled to learn on his bass, Percival had been on guitar dueling him for it and Leon had been bashing away on the drums. When they realized that Arthur, nicknamed "Princess" by Gwaine after realizing that he was Uther's son, had a talent, they'd urged him to join for one night. No presssure, no need to do much of anything but fill in for one night for a band member that didn't actually exist. He'd been hooked immediately and stayed with Holy Grail any time they performed. He felt himself with them in ways that he hadn't been able to with anyone else. He kept the memories in his head to remind him that he wasn't only Uther's son and didn't have to be his father: hateful, spiteful, uncaring. He didn't have to be that way... But he could see why it would be easier. With caring came more emotions that Arthur had the capacity, strength, and wisdom to deal with. With a sigh, he fell asleep at his desk with Gwen coming in just before noon to give him some food, some coffee, and prep him for his next meeting. He thanked her for her kindness and told that he would be fine.

* * *

In Ealdor, at 12:15 pm, just as Arthur was finishing up his lunch and prep, Merlin Ambrosius packed up his belongings in the shocked office space surrounding him. People stared at him expecting an explanation, but there was none to give. His hair was mussed, his clothes were afflicted, his lips were bruised, but he didn't care and he didn't care to answer what exactly happened as he slung his laptop case over his shoulder and security zoomed up the stairs and into his ex-boss's office. Merlin was readjusting his belt, tucking in his shirt, and rubbing at his wrists to get rid of the dull ache that was still there as the noise started.

"Sir, what happened!? Your face!"

"You're fired!" Cenred called after him, dotting blood from his nose.

Merlin whirled, clutching the box of his things in his arms and glared at the man, pining him still and taking in that sleazy smile.

"I quit," Merlin countered and headed towards the stairs making sure to hurry down the seventeen flights, focusing on the thudding of his shoes against the floor, the thudding of his heart rather than the roiling nausea he was ignoring and the surge of indignation and rage. When he walked past reception, they gaped and called after him. He had to get out, before something bad happened. He had to get out before the fragile grip he had on his emotions slipped. He had to get out. _Now._

"I quit!" He called over his shoulder and continued out, rushing out as quickly as possible and taking a deep breath of the air that would not choke him. He didn't stay there long, quickly walking to the bus stop to catch it home. He took a detour to the one cafe in the city of Ealdor that he could sit and take deep breaths. He cleared his mind first, sinking into a deep dark, the tremors eased, the roiling nausea ceased and he ordered his favorite tea. He took deep breaths as he sipped and contemplated the box on the table full of his things with a sigh. He'd just quit his job. His mother would flip, but he couldn't think about that at the moment. He had to count and breath and make sure his stomach settled. He felt his skin crawling and tried to push those feelings away and out of psychic reach. His phone rang as he made it to fifty-seven ab contractions and breaths.

Gaius was calling saying that he needed some help over the weekend and he wouldn't have to deal with it too much. He'd be in London, modern-day Camelot if the Londoners had anything to say about it, headed up by the famous Camelot Corp. run by Uther Pendragon and soon his son Arthur. Did everyone have a thing for the Arthurian legend besides Merlin? He choked it up to the bloody British obsession with the past and that one interesting piece of possible and widely spread history and literary production. It couldn't be literary trash as Merlin would have liked to call it, Geoffrey was a British Livinius, Herodotus, and Thucydides all rolled into one. It wasn't the history that Merlin had problem with, it was the character dynamic and creation and what that meant at large.

When he was sure that he was able to and his mother was well taken care of, he would move to somewhere no one knew off the bat that he was named from that stupid legend. Maybe he'd go to Mars. As he finished his tea, he took the time to calm himself and contemplate a session of practice that night to calm himself before getting on the bus and heading home. Hunith, being ever aware, met him at the door as he'd fumbled with his keys with big, loving eyes that went wide at his appearance. Merlin grimaced and set the box down as she reached up to hug him.

"Will called me," she said. "What happened?"

"Of course he did," Merlin replied as she drew back and let him inside.

He closed the door and hauled his box towards the small room he occupied in the house. It was a small house, but it had always been home. When he'd gone off to college, Hunith had called him nearly everyday to say that she'd missed him and the house was too big for her all alone... Of course, the house only had two rooms (one being more of a cupboard of sorts than an actual room) but he only smiled at his mother's voice and told her that he would come home as often as possible. He'd made it home almost every weekend, sometimes bringing her up to come and visit with him.

He sat down at the table, his mother joined him and looked him over.

"What happened dear?"

"It doesn't matter," Merlin said with a shake of his head. "What's important is that I don't work there anymore and I won't ever be going back..."

"I just don't understand Merlin... you were... so good at your job. You enjoyed it didn't you? You've been there for so long... I was sure that Wulfhere thought of you like a son... You were in his will after all..."

Merlin winced, he hadn't enjoyed it nearly as much as he would have liked it since Cenred took over from his father and his son had joined him as Vice President. Merlin had been wary of the man when he was Vice President and he was the President's personal assistant, but now that the roles had been shifted up, Merlin had become the personal assistant of Cenred the Father and Lot the Son. Cenred's father, Wulfhere, had been a good man, giving him a chance straight out of college to prove his worth. He'd even read Merlin's work on accident before their meeting and they spent a good deal of time talking about it... The man had asked him to autograph the copy he owned. He'd been flattered beyond belief and did his best to live up to the expectations that the man had for him... As far as he could tell, he had. The man had always been pleased with his work and somewhere in between he'd become a father to Merlin in ways that Gaius had not been and his own father could not be...

When he'd passed away, it was the one day that Merlin had worn pure black in a very long time. When he returned from paying his last respects to the man he'd been so proud and happy to work under, his mother told him he looked like a Gothic dream. He'd squirmed at the prospect of being in the man's will, but accepted the large sum in gold that Wulfhere had given him with the knowledge that he would never share tea and talk about the finer aspects of philosophy over breakfast with the man ever again, or pick up his prescription and badger him about his health ever again. He spent a few more days, visiting the his father's grave and Wulfhere's grave with a sense of loss and unfairness. He grounded himself in that reality, took a breath, and went home to start the next work week. Then Cenred took over and everything had changed.

He shivered at the thought and pushed it aside smiling at his mother and informing her that he'd cook dinner that night and restock the house before he left to London to help Gaius. She pouted at the idea of him being gone, but knew how much Gaius meant to him and conceded. Merlin changed and headed to the store with the grocery list and a host of bags to carry the groceries home and headed down the street to catch the bus. The trip was short only because they were mostly things that he was used to retrieving from the store. The trek home from the bus stop was always longer than the one out... Probably because he was struggling under the weight of so many groceries. It was times like these that he had to resist using his ma- _disposition_ the most. Floating the groceries home would have only turned a lot of heads and drawn far too much attention. But as soon as he'd made it into the house and the doors were shut, the groceries took themselves to the kitchen and arranged themselves in the cabinets. Pans floated down onto the stove and the ingredients began to prepare themselves. In the dance of appliances, Merlin couldn't help but smile at the few appliances that he'd bought his mother over the years to make living on her own easier when he wasn't around.

The slicer had always been his favorite considering that Hunith was developing a painful sort of arthritis from all of her years as a cook. Merlin himself could chop as fast as she could in her younger days now, but usually didn't when his head wasn't set on cooking... his ma-_disposition damnit_ had the tendency to revolt if he'd kept it at bay too long and little moments like this would keep it tame. They sat down to dinner together and chatted about their days other than Merlin's leave from Essetir Inc. He told her that he'd be back from his session within the hour and to head to bed, he'd lock up. Hunith kissed his cheek, told him to be safe and shuffled off to sleep.

When he reached the specially seclude pasture by the small lake near their house he breathed in deeply before kneeling by the water and continuing to breath in the essence of the forest, and let himself resonate with the feeling of the world around him. The earth thrummed with life beneath his feet, the water seemed to tremble at his proximity and when he started the sequence of movements from his study abroad, he felt everything shift into focus. All the stress, the worry and anything else beyond the physical movement floated away and he lost himself in thee swirling sweep of his arms, the flow of his kicks, it was simple and peaceful, thus when he ended he felt his disposition settle deep and peaceful, opening his eyes and seeing the last ripples of the water beneath his feet before heading back to his home to sleep and get ready to head to London in the early morning. He went to the graveyard on his way to the train station to apologize to Wulfhere for leaving the company and to talk to the father he'd never known for a while. It was calming, reassuring and just what he needed.

* * *

As usual, Morgana was finding it difficult to find someone with the correct qualifications for the position of Arthur's personal assistant. It wouldn't get any better no matter how hard she searched, they were either already employed, wary of the Pendragon family, or too attracted to Arthur...

That was until she took a step back, breathed, and opened the business newspaper to find that Essetir Inc. had lost its head secretary... a _Merlin Ambrosius_. Of course the details of the split weren't published, but that didn't matter... She'd dealt with Merlin before on one of her many interactions with Essetir, Inc. on Arthur or Uther's behalf and even in relation to her own company... The man had been intelligent, to the point, and extremely good at his job. He wasn't crass as Cenred, nor humorless. Instead, he was witty, snarky at times, cheeky most of the time and all around friendly. He was more diplomatic than Cenred's father had been and she suspected that the general quality of business correspondence between Essetir Inc and its many associates would greatly decline to a status worse than Uther's within the following weeks. If she remembered correctly, he was also close to Cenred's father and had worked for him for the six years before his death. She'd never met the man face to face, but spoke to him enough to have a good sense that he and Arthur would become as thick as thieves extremely quickly.

And now he was without a job...Morgana grinned standing with a new goal in mind, instead of having people come to her, maybe she should do her own scouting... starting with the mystically named Merlin. If this works out, Arthur will absolutely have to give in to the Knights. I'll make them get a round table for their break room or something.

Knowing Gwaine, they already had one.

When Merlin arrived at Gaius's small clinic, he was put to work immediately. In fact, as he was changing Gaius was giving him a list of things he needed to do and stacking patient files beside him. It didn't take long for Merlin to return to the ease and hurry of Gaius's holistic and organic clinic. He took up post beside one of interns named Freya who looked at a loss for the myriad of medicines and herbs on the rack. He glanced at the patient's file beside her.

"Wormwort," he offered softly with a smile.

She jumped and smiled at him, giving him a hug and a squeal for his appearance. They'd dated briefly, but it hadn't taken long to realize that they were really better off as friends. It was as simple as a lack of intimate spark between them rather than lack of chemistry. They chatted, ground, mixed, and bottled side by side for the better part of the hour. Merlin packed up the extensive number of tonics and powders in his delivery bag with labels and signature forms before heading out and promising to have lunch with Freya so they could catch up. She threatened him with Gaius's watery oatmeal iff he reneged on their lunch date.

The first stop was the hospital to a Dr. Nimueh who looked at him strangely. They'd never met before, but there was a moment in which a chill crept down his spine at her intense blue eyes. She seemed friendly enough, but Merlin couldn't shake the feeling. Half of the bag went to her and she gave him the empty one from the week before, signing his form before heading out the door. The next row of deliveries were home deliveries and at offices. A few older women who were on the cusp of healing up, a few pregnant women with aches and pain, and the last was the Pendragon office for a Morgana Le Fey.

When he walked into the office, he passed through reception with a smile and was taken up to the top floor to an office that said "C.E.O." in bold letters. The woman who'd lead him there winced at the commotion inside, it sounded like a pair of bickering siblings, a woman and a man. Altogether, if he had to guess, the woman was older or at least the more generally responsible of the two.

"I don't need a personal assistant! I can take care of myself!"

"I'm going to have to disagree with you," the woman replied. "I think you're on the edge of collapse and you don't want to admit it-How many cups of coffee have you had today? In the last hour?"

"Shut up, Morgana..."

Merlin knocked and was granted access into the room with a sunny, dimple laden smile and offered up a form, "A deliver for Morgana Le Fey."

Morgana looked at him as if he'd materialized out of thin air... like an angel.

"I'm... Morgana Le Fey... you're from Gaius's clinic?"

Arthur's ears perked up, "How is old Gaius?"

"The same as ever," Merlin replied handing over the small case of bottles to her and exchanging it for the empty vials. "Healthy, snarky, and demanding of his workers."

"You're Merlin Ambrosius aren't you?" Morgana asked. He froze for a moment and looked at her oddly.

"How... do you know my name?"

She waved the business section of the paper and he glowered a bit. Of course, with enough gossip anything would end up in the paper and he was sure that his departure had aroused enough interest to be paper worthy. After such a long stint at Essetir Inc, and building up quite a reputation for himself, he wasn't surprised at all.

"You're working for Gaius now?" Morgana asked.

"Gaius is a close friend of the family, I come up to help on the weekends when I can...For now, I'm... basking in unemployment..."

"Basking in unemployment?"Arthur asked skeptically. "What exactly does that mean?"

"It's a new experience," Merlin said simply, regarding the man across the table. "I've never been unemployed before... then again I suppose I'm not technically unemployed as I work for Gaius when he needs me."

Morgana smiled, "Are you interested in another job? Possibly a full-time one?"

Arthur's face immediately went sour and he knew where she was going with this, "I absolutely-"

"Why are you asking... if you don't mind...?"

"Because my at once intelligent and scatter brained brother Arthur is in need of a personal assistant/ secretary that has experience in a pseudo-Vice president position that is actually diplomatic and won't be afraid to correct him...And I think you're a good fit."

Merlin gaped, and glanced at Arthur who looked as if he was seething.

"Is this... normal?"

"No," Morgana said. "If you'd like to formally interview for the position, I don't have a problem with it. The original plan was to interview with me, then have a day actually working for Arthur before coming on officially. Would you be up to that?"

Merlin thought about it for a moment, while he didn't really like the idea of going back to work for a business man that he had no experience with, he missed his job and he was good at it. He consented to meeting her for coffee/tea on Sunday afternoon after he got off from Gaius's prep room. She smiled, shook his hand and he was off to make the rest of his deliveries around the city. Arthur seethed.

"I don't need a personal assistant! What good will he be to me? He's half my size!"

"He's taller than you, he's stronger than you think, _and_ he's good at his job. You met Wulfhere, you should know how he was and if Merlin could keep his position for six years after the string of secretaries that were fired and tossed aside, I think he's more than capable of helping you."

Arthur huffed, not willing to concede the point, but didn't protest any longer and they went on with lunch. He'd visited his mother and talked to her. He'd gotten through some P.R. reports before heading to bed that night and was distinctly pleased that there was nothing but curiosity and sayings of "he's so attractive".

When Sunday passed and Monday followed, Arthur walked into his office, after spending his night at home for the first time in weeks. He was wearing a fresh suit, with a good night's sleep, he'd actually combed and washed his hair thoroughly. He'd almost forgotten that it was actually honey blonde rather than the dull light brown it had been for a while. He felt refreshed and strutted into the office with a grin, until he reached his office door and realized that there would be a mess of piles, pages, and insanity waiting for him. He sighed and walked in and was sure that he wasn't in the right office. After a check for the C.E.O. on the door, he stepped into the oddly clean space. Where there had been chaos, there was nothing but organization. Now calm where there had been extreme distress. He sat behind his desk and the billion sticky notes and memos that he'd thought he'd lost and rewritten were replaced with a different set of handwritting tacked to the pile of once disorganized notes and memos.

_- Done_

There were three stacks to his left now, separate and ordered by date and importance in the same manner that he would have, had he known where they were. His file cabinets were organized and there were actually working pens in his drawers, a fresh stock of sticky notes, paperclips, his stapler was filled... He half expected a mystical fairy to pop up and tell him that she would be working for him now.

_This... is kind of awesome..._

It wasn't until he was marveling at the organization of papers by time slot, meetings in folder, portfolios prepared with flash drives marked for certain things that Merlin appeared in a suit that didn't hide the fact that he was of a lithe frame. The suit was back, but the shirt beneath it was a vibrant blue with a high red collar that made him think that the other was wearing a neckerchief of a vibrant red. He smiled in greeting carrying a cup of milky Boba tea and a portfolio under his arm. It was odd, where did he get Boba tea this early in the morning in London? What kind of businessman drank Boba tea and let his boss see that?

"Good morning," he said and Arthur gawked at him.

"You... how did you...?"

"Despite the appearance of chaos, it wasn't that bad. Your papers were organized in someways. It didn't take long..."

"But the presentation, the proposals... everything..."

"Yes?"

"You... they're finished...how..."

"I do my homework," he said. "The correspondent at Mercia and I know each other fairly well, Mithian and I had classes together at uni so she was happy to fill me in on all of the details of the project. I talked to the rest of the staff as well and they were more than happy to turn over the information to me. It didn't take long to assemble after that."

Arthur gawked at him and frowned at the folder he was dropping onto his desk, sucking up tapioca pearls from the bottom of the cup he was holding with a pleased and thoughtful expression on his face. It was from Morgana, he knew that much and as he opened it, he realized that it was Merlin's extensive work history and resume. The man vanished soon after, chewing on tapioca pearls, heading to his desk just outside in the hall. Sliding into his seat and picking up the phone as it began to rang.

"Hello?"

Arthur knew he'd remembered the name from somewhere. Merlin _Emrys_ Ambrosius had covertly snatched the top spot at university from him and had worked his way through college as he'd done it... He couldn't have imagined the number of sleepless nights they other had to endure in order to pay for university and end up debt free. He took his hat off to the man in respect but that didn't mean he had to like the neatly ordered stacks of paper and their card labels "Today" "Tomorrow" "Day After". In truth, he liked it a lot and it didn't take long (less than a week) to realize that he was sleeping a lot easier knowing the Merlin was just outside, prepared for practically everything, and on his side.

He shook his head at Cenred's foolish decision to let the young man go, he was brilliant.

It was three days before Merlin officially signed on as a part of Camelot, Inc. Hunith didn't take the news as well as he'd hoped (claiming that it was too soon to be heading back to that world and that she would miss him), but he didn't let that deter him. He'd moved into a small flat near the building and continued as he had since his time at Essetir: saving money for his mother's retirement and eventually his own. She told him that he better take care of himself and come home often otherwise she'd worry. He agreed of course, she'd kissed his cheek and pouted until he promised to call home often. While he understood the number of things that Hunith had to worry about when it came to Merlin, he still held that Ealdor was less than an hour's drive away from London without traffic. He wasn't as far away as Hunith acted most days, but he wouldn't tell his mother that. He knew she was just concerned for his well-being and hoped that he wouldn't give her anything to worry about.

And that Gaius wouldn't be a snitch otherwise...


	2. Beyond the Scars,Love Will Find You

As the amount of time Merlin racked up at Camelot increased, Morgana found it even easier to slip in little notes and jokes about the mythology hanging around the office. Merlin had recognized it almost immediately and tried to laugh it off upon seeing the big bold "KNIGHTS' QUARTERS" over the door to the security officer's door. When he saw the round table, he laughed even harder than when he'd learned the names of them all. A deep sense of dread and wary had welled up in him under the latent and effervescent joy that came with being around them all...What were they doing stepping out of legend like this? He couldn't blame her really, she had the entire cast of the legend on deck, including herself and her boyfriend, Mordred who worked in accounting.

Gwaine had been ridiculously charming, taking to flirting with Merlin and Gwen at the same time before Lancelot stepped in to reiterate his claim on the young lady by pulling her into his lap and kissing her soundly, fiddling with the ring on her finger that matched his own. She returned the kiss and told him that she would pick up the kids that afternoon before leaving to go and welcome the lunch meeting guests. Leon, the ever responsible captain, and Percival, Gwaine's boyfriend, had reeled the sassy Irishman down to a controllable level before Merlin collected their reports and was on his way to the business lunch with Arthur. He wasn't sure why Arthur needed him there, or who it was with as Arthur had kept it utterly secret from him. He decided not to worry about it until Cenred of Essetir Inc and his son Lot walked past him in the hallway towards the lunch meeting room shown there by Gwen who gave him an apologetic look as he stood frozen in those eyes.

A sick grin carved its way onto Cenred's face as they took the time to stop and address him. Merlin felt the air enter his lungs, settle, and escape out as their eyes met and he forced memories down into darkness.

"Hello Merlin, I'm glad to see that someone is using your _talents_."

The slimy way it was said made him narrow his eyes at the man and swallow, not letting him see anything but Merlin adjusting his suit jacket and smiling.

"I wasn't aware that Essetir was in dealings with Camelot today, I hope we can reach a mutually beneficial agreement."

Cenred looked taken aback for a moment, but slid into the room with nothing more than an exhale of air. Lot's eyes lingered for longer than Merlin would have liked, but he didn't react as Arthur rounded the corner talking quickly to Lancelot before stopping to face Merlin down the hall with a sheepish smile.

"Sur...prise?" he said with a wince and sighed.

Merlin only looked at him before heading into the meeting room to set up the screen and hand over the prepared propositions before Arthur strode in. Greeting both Cenred and Lot amorously, Arthur tried not to let the dark mood that Merlin was so well concealing distract him as he gave his presentation and negotiations began. The meeting ended a little earlier than Merlin scheduled it for mainly because Arthur's proposal was reasonable and there was no way Cenred was going to get anymore than what was offered - though not for lack of trying. They shook hands and Lot managed to slide a hand across Merlin's back as they passed before they were on their way and Arthur was left alone to deal with Merlin in the conference room.

"That went well," Arthur started, watching his assistant gather the folders, throw away the remnants of lunch, fix the chairs and shut down systems. Merlin said nothing, focused on his tasks and calming the roiling storm inside him.

_Breathe in... breathe out... nothing can affect you. This is a part of life and taking it to heart would only be an unnecessary expenditure of energy and emotion that you don't have the luxury to waste. _

"Merlin talk to me."

"Cenred is probably going to try and weasel in some other things into the contract and the procession of the execution. Be wary of that."

"Merlin, what's wrong?"

Merlin went on about aspects of the deal that Cenred would definitely try to manipulate before Arthur cut him off.

"Are you angry with me Merlin?"

"Angry?" Merlin asked with a scoff. "I don't possess the necessary disposition to be angry. I can't _afford_ to be angry."

"But you can afford to ignore me?"

"I haven't ignored you, am I not answering your questions?"

"Merlin," Arthur started, grabbing his arm and pulling him into a seat. "We have time, talk to me at least."

"About?"

Arthur huffed, "About this obvious mood you're having! You're upset with me. Yes, I probably should have told you, but this deal is fairly important and I needed you on this one. I don't know what drove you away from Essetir, but I know it still bothers you. That's the reason I didn't tell you."

"That's got to be the most unreasonable logic that I've ever heard... You thought by telling me it would make me alright with it?"

"I didn't know how you would react. I thought by not telling you and only giving you a few moments before we had to deal with it would keep you in the mind set that this is work and despite whatever happened, it's your job-"

Merlin had never been so offended in his life and stood up.

"You doubted my work ethic?" Merlin asked, with a scoff. "You doubted my sense of duty? That's what made you not tell me? I'll have you know that, no matter what, I've _never_ been late to a meeting. I've never skipped out on anything in my entire life. I've gone into meetings dizzy from fever, high on vicodin and penicillin in anaphylactic shock, on crutches, bleeding, in grief and terror and still did my job. So thank you for insulting me. And how dare you try and manipulate me with only half an emotional brain!"

Arthur sighed, he hadn't meant to make it sound that way, but it had come out that way. God, he was such a _blonde _sometimes (no offense to Leon and Percival who never seemed to have what Morgana fondly termed "blonde" moments). He hadn't known how to tell Merlin about it considering he didn't know the circumstances under his quitting/sacking. He really didn't know how he felt about it considering anytime he tried to ask Gwain, Gwen, or anyone who was remotely close to Merlin they all looked somewhere in between anger and worry saying that it was best to ask Merlin. He'd never had the heart or the mind state to ask Merlin about it and hence the conversation they were having now.

"I'm sorry," Arthur said and, for a moment, Merlin was paralyzed. His legs gave out and he was in his seat.

Arthur had never apologized for anything since he'd been there and as far as he could tell, he hadn't ever apologized for anything in general.

"You're right... I shouldn't have hidden it from you... I just didn't know how to tell you, how you'd react. I know... that you'd never allow personal feelings to get in the way of your work, but... I just... I don't know... It was stupid and I'm sorry that I put you through that."

Merlin watched Arthur's eyes, but there was only apprehension and sincerity there. He almost hated and sighed.

"Just be glad I'm not of a more violent temperament and I've had enough practice in polite lies..."

Arthur snorted, "You? polite lies? You've got to be the cheekiest assistant I've ever had."

"You've never complained about it."

Arthur smiled a little. Yeah, he supposed that was true. There wasn't much about Merlin to complain about to be honest. He ws kind and for all his snarkiness, he was intelligent and obliging and most importantly not afraid to correct him when he needed it the most. Merlin was... fearless if there was any word that would fit him... The longer that sunk into Arthur's mind, the easier it was for other things to slip in as well... like how good Merlin looked in casual clothing. It didn't happen often, but when it did Arthur relished the moment more than he would ever admit. It was usually on the weekends when he wasn't on duty for Arthur and working at Gaius's company. He had standing lunch dates with most of the Knights and Arthur, having been so close to most of them and Gwen, joined them on their nights on the town, their galavanting in the middle of the day. Merlin hadn't found out exactly what "Holy Grail" was despite having to clear Arthur's schedule for most Saturday noons to midnights. He figured that whatever it was was important to Arthur and a well-kept secret (he just hoped that they weren't actually out looking for the Holy Grail, that would have been too much on his anti-Arthurian Romance heart). Morgana joined them more often than not. Merlin was fond of neckerchiefs and other neck accessories. He'd been wanting to tear it off ever since he'd seen them as their placement only drew more attention to what was sure to be a column of pale white deliciousness...

Speaking of delicious, don't let him think about Merlin in_ denim_. He never thought he had fetishes, or even a real attraction to certain people. Arthur had considered himself as one that loved pleasure rather than having any sort of orientation (more gay than anything if Morgana told it), but Merlin in denim had been enough to convince him that maybe he leaned a little closer to homosexual than hetero. If he hadn't seen it, he wouldn't have believed it considering Merlin's lithe frame and the cut of his suits, but Merlin had an arse. Not something ridiculous that is completely out of proportion with his frame, but it was nice and in his denim jeans that Arthur swore were like a second skin, it was tantalizing and it had taken a good deal of strength not to reach out and smack it. It had become something of an obsession and secret fantasy of his and it was getting harder and harder to restrain himself.

After the argument Arthur made himself a problem to give himself an outlet. He'd let Merlin into his more personal life, slowly extremely slowly and only in ways that wasn't too divergent to business. He didn't want to rush things and had no real idea if Merlin was single, gay, or interested in either case. It was always better to be patient and wait for the natural and fortuitous progression of things.

Weeks passed after the minor disagreement and there was a shift in their relationship that wasn't lost on Arthur, yet Merlin seemed to be stubbornly oblivious to it. It began with late night preparations branched into early morning breakfast dates. Not that Merlin would ever call sitting in his suit at three in the morning at some random pancake house a date, nor would he address the issue of connecting "date" with Arthur, but Arthur hadn't bothered to make a distinction. It felt like a date. They worked less, they laughed more, they ate and Arthur drove Merlin home afterwards. More and more Arthur was becoming used to driving the other home than he should have, though he'd never been inside Merlin's little flat. The primary shifting point, which lead into the second one, was when they were heading back from a meeting and Arthur received a call from the hospital. His father was awake and requesting a report on his company as Arthur requested a report on his health. It was amazing how skewed their priorities were...

"Do we have time to stop by the hospital for half an hour or so?" Arthur asked Merlin as he ended the call.

"Of course, you don't have another appointment until two hours from now and anything else can be done from the tablet."

He smiled in gratitude and turned towards the hospital feeling good that his assistant apparently had his schedule together, and an opportunity to edge Merlin into his life and see how it went had presented itself.

_Totally not rushing it... meeting Father after all is important. Merlin may be working for him when he returns..._

A part of him scoffed at the thought. There was no way in hell that he would ever surrender Merlin to his father's rule even if he had to leave the company to do that. The man was too good and he'd come to rely a lot on the other's opinion, experience, sense and impeccable work ethic. He glance at the other with a grin, finally feeling like he was outwitting his too-intelligent assistant. He was making him meet his father under a pretext and a practically informal setting... It wasn't what Artuhr really envisioned when he told his father that he was more interested in men than women and introduced him to the man... But it was a start. He felt absolutely sneaky.

Merlin, of course, knew that Arthur would want time to go visit his father, he'd tried his best to open up little pockets of the schedule without cramming the rest of it together too tightly. He also knew that eventually he would have to meet Uther Pendragon (as much as the thought made his skin crawl from the way Gwen talked about him). It had been the first day that the schedule he'd been trying to get worked out actually held. That was probably because the day after was practically empty of meeting was a general prep day for upcoming projects and any other things that had been pushed aside in favor of the larger contracts. Arthur hadn't even notice the smooth reorganizing of his calendar, and if he had he hadn't minded it which was his goal in the long run. It was always better to stay a few steps ahead of your employer's needs. When they reached the hospital, Merlin offered to stay outside but Arthur insisted he be present.

"My father would want to know that he'll have a different assistant upon his return."

Merlin held back a wince at the prospect of working under Uther rather than with Arthur. It wasn't that he had a problem with authority and knowing where to step, it was just that Uther was an apparently unreasonable and difficult man. If he let Gwen tell it, he was "demon in an Armani suit" and "she pitied anyone that ever had to work as his personal assistant", that included Arthur at some point apparently. That alone had been enough to make Merlin rethink the idea of meeting Uther, but for the sake of Arthur, and now that all of his planning had finally come to fruition, he had no choice. He followed Arthur through the hospital greeting the doctors and nurses that he'd worked with or for over the summers in high school and college.

"You seem to know everyone here..."

"I know most of them. I used to work at this hospital."

Arthur gaped, "You weren't kidding when you said that you'd never been unemployed."

He shrugged as they headed up to Uther's room and Arthur took a breath before knocking and hearing the "Come in". Merlin's insides clenched at the sound of Uther's voice. He sounded like a man that had never smiled a day in his life and took joy in other people's pain... Okay, so maybe he was projecting a little bit, but he didn't sound very pleasant. When they walked in, Uther's eyes narrowed at him and then to Arthur who came in with a smile and took the seat beside the bed.

"Hello father," Arthur greeted. "How are you feeling?"

"What are you doing here in the middle of the day?" Uther asked. "You have a talk with Bayard to prepare for."

Merlin wondered where exactly Uther was getting his information and why exactly he got the feeling that Uther didn't particularly want his son there. Merlin attempted to fade into the background, but Uther's eyes continued to flicker towards him, shifty. If Merlin didn't know any better (which he didn't), he would have swore there was a look of shame and posturing in those eyes that were nothing like Arthur's. Continuing his observation, Uther seemed to be resisting any sign of weakness but in great discomfort while doing so. He supposed he figured out where Arthur gets his need to posture now...

"They've been moved to later in the day, Father. I came to see how you were doing."

"You could have called the hospital to find that out, you should be preparing. Bayard isn't an opponent easily taken on. Where is the proposal?"

Arthur winced at his tone and sighed, resigning himself to what these visits usually turned into: business briefs. As much as he hoped his father would one day just _trust _him and relax, Arthur realized a long time ago that would never happen. Merlin produced the Bayard file without having to be asked and stood near to the door, carrying on with his personal checklist. Uther took the file and immediately began picking away at it, under the assumption that the pages he were viewing weren't already in place.

"Surely, I've taught you better than this Arthur! How could you have no negotiated better than this... it looks like a treaty."

Arthur didn't mention that it was not a hostile takeover of Mercia, LLC that they were going for, or even a merging but a mutual contract to get Mercia back on its feet as a business ally against Essetir and to reinforce their alliance.

"And who is this skinny thing with the PDA? Where is Margaret?"

"She quit, Father." Arthur replied. "This is Merlin Ambrosius, he's been working for me as my personal assistant since a few days after you fell ill."

Uther looked at him with an appraising eye that wasn't the same as the one he'd recieved from Cenred, but it was equally as insulting. Uther was looking down his nose at him, sizing him up in worth.

"Merlin... Ambrosius... Wulfhere's child secretary?"

Merlin would have flushed, but refrained from it. He didn't back down either.

"Yes, I was head secretary for Essetir."

"And you came to Camelot? You were fired?"

"Father," Arthur started.

"I quit, actually." Merlin replied.

"And you came to Camelot? For what purpose?"

Merlin didn't particularly like where Uther was trying to push the conversation, so he side-stepped it.

"I was scouted and interviewed by Morgana. Arthur accepted me on as his assistant. I came to work for Camelot Corp. because the position was open and I am confident in my abilities."

Uther didn't seem satisfied in the answer and pushed, "No, loyalty towards the company you worked for for six years? I do know that you had to have been involved in the dealings with Camelot from both sides..."

Arthur couldn't believe that his father was really doing this on his sick bed.

"I left before preparations for this particular deal."

"Hm," Uther said. "You've said nothing of your loyalty."

"My loyalty was to Wulfhere," Merlin said. "Cenred did not earn my loyalty, nor my respect, after his father's death."

Uther huffed again and continued to look through the pages shaking his head and handing the file back to Arthur.

"Change the terms of the agreement, the interest should be higher. We are not a charity... and as for your assistant... you should sack him as soon as possible. You should know better than to trust someone that worked for another company prior to Camelot... especially a known _rival_ company. I expect to be kept abreast of this dealing, Arthur."

Arthur gawked, "I'm not changing the interest rate, that would put Mercia out of commission."

"Then you should prepare to annex the company."

"Father, this is not a hostile takeover. Bayard has been a business ally for-"

"Business is not a realm of alliances, it's a realm of competition. You should know that by now Arthur... I thought I taught you better."

"You're being-"

"This conversation is over and so long as I still breathe. I am the C.E.O. of Camelot and you will do my bidding. I expect you to bring me resumes of more suitable and trustworthy candidates within the next few days. Do not fail me Arthur-"

Whatever else the man had to say was cut off in a fury of coughing. Machines beeped and Gilli came in to check his vitals. Arthur sat motionless for a moment before getting up and leaving the room with Merlin following close behind. Arthur marched down the hallway and towards the underground parking lot, getting in the car and sitting for a moment. Merlin said nothing at his side, but waited for the blonde to stop staring at the hood of his car as if to set it on fire.

Arthur gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white, before banging on in it, banging his head on the steering wheel and slamming a hand into the horn, screaming with the sound. Merlin waited until the moment passed as Arthur sighed, his eyes were brimmed red with frustrated tears and anger. His breathing calmed slowly and his neck eased to relax. Apparently, the need to scream was satisfied.

"When Gwen warned me, I didn't realize that it would be that bad..." Merlin said.

Arthur looked at him as if he hadn't remembered that he was in the car. Merlin said nothing as Arthur turned his face away with an embarrassed flush. He'd been so childish and weak in that moment. How he'd managed to do that in front of a man that he hadn't known that long when he couldn't do it front of Leon whom he'd grown up with? He supposed that was because Merlin had a way of slipping into and out of perception in ways that other people didn't. He wondered if it was intentional or not. He'd ask about that if Arthur ever managed to work up the courage to ask the younger man out.

"I'm sorry... I... I suppose... I should look over the proposal again."

Merlin's eyes narrowed, "Why is that?"

"He... He is right... he is still the C.E.O.-"

"He isn't the acting C.E.O. right now."

Arthur glanced at him, "That doesn't change anything."

"It does if you're the one that has to deliver the proposal... It does since you're the one that Bayard and Mithian have been conversing with, not Uther, and not you on behalf of Uther, but you as the acting C.E.O. of Camelot... Rise, and accept your throne, King Arthur."

There was a jolt of lightning through him, it was a strange sense of deja vu that he couldn't place, and then he snorted, "I thought you hated that legend... I've never heard you make a reference to it before."

"It was appropriate," Merlin replied. "And I do hate it."

"I noticed, you called Arthur the _hollow shell of honor_ without Merlin..."

Merlin raised an eyebrow at him, "You've read my work?"

"It was in Morgana's file on you... an impressive piece...most of Britain must hate you."

"Thank you...and I'm sure they do even if they know that I'm right."

They sat in silence for a moment later before Arthur breathed out, "I just don't understand him... I don't know what he wants from me."

"He wants you to be him, act as he does so that he can rest easy knowing that his legacy will live on even after he's gone."

Arthur's eyebrows knitted and their eyes met across the space.

"He wants you to remain in his shadow."

"Merlin, that's-"

"True." Merlin replied, looking down at his tablet. "I saw a man afraid of his end, and more afraid of his son that could outshine and push him out of memory of the business world with his potential for fairness, execution, and general ability to keep his employees."

"Merlin, how could you say that?" Arthur asked gawking at him. "You've only just met him, how could you say that and sound so..."

"Calm? Assured?"

He nodded a little and Merlin snorted.

"I've spent most of my life controlling my emotions, stepping back from emotional reactions and watching people. That's a lot of time watching people, getting to know them, and understanding them. It didn't take a lifetime of watching to recognize fear, impotent rage, and the terror of being outdone by your offspring in Uther's eyes. It was blatant. All it took was a few conversations with Margaret, Morgana, and you to know."

Arthur sat in silence, blinking and hearing the words.

"You're a great businessman, you have a knack for it and a diplomacy that could win you more than just a great contract but alliances, support, and a reputation in the business world that Uther could only dream of. You're the only one that doesn't see that and Uther is doing a good job of making sure that you never figure it out."

"Do you mean to say that my father is trying to smother me?"

"Unconciously, conciously, yes."

Arthur bit his lip as Merlin went back to typing away. What Merlin was saying was said too controlled to be a gimmick, it was flippant as if it was obvious. Arthur drove them back to the company in time for lunch with the Knights. Leon announced that the Holy Grail had been requested for a charity event on Saturday, a business charity event hosted by Mithian for a project for London's teens. Merlin grinned, Mithian could always host a good party for teenagers, he'd helped organize a few himself. The name "Holy Grail" made his stomach turn uncomfortably.

"So?... Are you coming?" Arthur asked him after lunch.

"Coming to what?"

"The charity event of course?"

"Well... I suppose I'll have to if you're there. I was invited after all."

Arthur grinned at him but there was a secret there. Merlin wouldn't find out until he arrived at the appointed banquet hall where teenagers from every college campus and high school in the city and some from outside were assembling. There was the sound of rock music playing, familiar new tunes, some of them he remembered from college, but all different. Merlin guessed it was a cover band.

"I could be mean... I could be stupid... you know I could be just like you..."

When he entered the building and saw Gwen and Morgana standing off to one side with Mordred, he'd expected a lot of things...

"You made it!" Gwen called, waving him over. "Just in time, they just started playing their second song."

"Who is..."

Merlin looked up to see a familiar head of blonde hair in overly casual clothes: a grungy faded out t-shirt, ripped jeans, a black watch on one arm, a band of gold on his head, and a metallic silver sleeve on his mike hand. He guessed it was gimmick, but the voice that was coming through the speakers was familiar.

_Arthur?_

"You've got to be kidding me..."

"I'm surprised he did it. He usually likes to keep this part of his life and his business life separate..."

"Arthur... is in a band?"

"Surprised?"

"A little," Merlin conceded but he wasn't that surprised. People seemed to love Arthur, giving a speech or rocking out it didn't seem to matter. People were enthralled, dancing, rocking out with him. Gwaine's hair was everywhere (as usual). With Lancelot on the drums, Leon at keyboard and Percival at first guitar beside Arthur, it wasn't an odd scene.

"The Holy Grail?" Merlin read on the banner behind them.

"I wanted them to be the Round Table," Morgana said. "But apparently that was just too much, or not enough... So I got him to wear a crown and the sleeve when he performs instead."

Merlin snickered, moving over to get something to drink as the song ended and the next one started. Mithian came to find them at the beginning of "Furry Walls" which Merlin just couldn't stop laughing at. Arthur was more than enjoying himself if the tones of his voice were anything to go by. He was grinning, giggling at the lyrics as they came and sliding around, swiveling his hips, it was comedic and very Russell Brand.

"Stroke the furry wall~... Furry walls, don't bring me down. Furry walls, please stay around..."

At the half break, Arthur and the rest bounded around downing bottles of water as Mithian made her speech about the proceeds and the vision for the future. He grinned at Merlin who only blushed at a closer look. The shirt wasn't just grungy, it was tight, squeezing biceps that he hadn't realized that Arthur possessed, it lined out defined abs and muscular back. The metallic sleeve was one of those tight, thermal, exercise shirts. The jeans were tight, hugging comfortably and were probably overly worn over his converse. He looked like a rockstar... or at the very least a college student.

"You all seem like naturals," Merlin said as they reached him. "And Gwaine... well it's Gwaine. You guys were awesome."

Gwaine laughed at that giving a theatrical flick of his hair before Percival was running his fingers through it. Arthur grinned.

"Go ahead and say it Merlin, you think I look good as a rockstar."

"You do," Merlin conceded. "You've got talent."

Arthur beamed at him and spent the next twenty minutes of their break chatting with him. Morgana grinned knowing "chatting up" when she saw it. Arthur's face was intensely focused under the guise of friendliness, he was close enough to smell Merlin's skin and find that the man wore no cologne but smelled that _delicious_ naturally. When they talked, they talked about Merlin, his tastes in music, art, his family history and it was obvious that the man was getting nervous about the attention as he turned it back on Arthur who'd related a good deal of his life without the usual tone of posh privilege. She had to admit, Merlin was good for him. At the end, Arthur's hand found a way to trail across Merlin's arm before bounding back to the stage with seemingly restless energy and kicking up the band again with "Here Comes the Weekend." Merlin would think to tease him later about his dual role as the fill in for female vocals and his rap attempt, which was impressive to say the least. The did two slow songs, just two. That seemed to be the threshold. Arthur had calmed down enough to take a seat and take hold of an acoustic guitar and everything slowed down, couples grouped together as Arthur's hypnotism swept through the room. The first was "Bangers, Beans and Mash" which Arthur did in perfect seriousness, but it was too funny for that. Merlin wondered if he was just clowning around until the first few chords of "What About Now?" started and it was just Arthur playing.

The tune was different, his eyes were different. Merlin's insides quivered at that look a far off and unknown emotion that was coming to light now. Arthur seemed lost in it as much as Merlin was. He felt something like hope and heady squirming from a distance that Merlin was uncomfortable with. He'd been so good at knowing where his emotions were coming from, how they got there, and how to control them... this was new.

"And make it to the dawn~... Change the colors of the sky~ and open up to... the way you made me feel _alive-_ _the ways I loved you_..."

Merlin swallowed watching the performance , his heart clenched at Arthur's melody with only minimal support from Lancelot at the drums. The weight of the song was carried in Arthur's voice and his fingers strumming the guitar.

"Baby, before it's too late... _What about now~...?_"

He felt a little dizzy, his heart was thumping and for a moment, Arthur was someone else and the only person in Merlin's eyes.

"What about _now_? What about _today_? What if you're making me, all that I was meant to be~? What if our love~, never went away? What if it's _lost~ behind,_ words we could never find? Baby, before it's too late..."

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like this?

"Now, that we've come this far, just hold~ on... _There is nothing to fear~..._ for I am right~ be~side you~ ,for all... my ~ life~ I am _yours~...!_"

Arthur's eyes fluttered closed, his voice ascending in emotion and volume through the bridge that made Merlin's knees go weak. Did the man have to sound like a God then as well as look like one? The stage lights turn his hair golden and his crown into a halo of light. His guitar (Excalibur as Morgana called it) gleamed in the light and everything in him wanted to scream: _My King Arthur._

_Oh no..._ Merlin shook his head. This wasn't happening, he tore his eyes away from the stage. Arthur's eyes caught his for a moment before Merlin tore them away again and tried to calm his thudding heart. He found his way to the bathroom to confront his reflection. His eyes were flickering gold, but that wasn't the problem. His face was flushed and he swore that every thought in his head was concerned with that voice in a different setting, the emotions behind the singing and how much he wanted to go up on stage with that man and... and-

_No,_ he told his reflection glaring. The emotions tuckered down into silence before he marched back out. The music was kicking back up to something that was back on the scale of alternative rock. Merlin recognized it as a Linkin Park song. When he went out, the feelings stopped and he was just watching Arthur, his _boss_, rock out on stage. His brief lapse in sanity had ended.

At the end of the night, Mithian was thanking them for their help in the matter and Arthur added his share of the payment to the very surprisingly, the others did the same. They got paid more than enough as it was. Arthur took that chance to offer Merlin a ride home, which he gladly accepted and sat in talkative contemplation, stamping down those riotous emotions that would get him hurt in the long run. It was always better to be in pain for a moment than for a longer period of him.

Arthur took to humming a few bars of "Honor" as they drove down the rode over the low tones of the radio. They were on the main road heading towards Merlin's house when he switched the station.

"_For I am right beside you...for all my life... I am yours..._" came through the radio, along with full guitar and keyboard back up of the rock version. Merlin swallowed as Arthur cheered.

"Yeah! Talk about luck!" Arthur cheered. "That's just weird. I happen to love this song, I always have for reasons that I never bothered to think about. Have you heard this song before tonight?"

Merlin shook his head but agreed that it was great song as they pulled up to his flat and Arthur bid him goodnight with a strange softness in his voice. They sat stone still for what felt like forever. Tonight, had meant something to Arthur... something that Merlin had resisted acknowledging, but couldn't put off with him staring like that. This was Arthur. The real one behind his father's insanity. It was a glimpse into his inner life, a life that most people had no access to (or at least hadn't before), it was an admittance into something pure and personal... It was opening up and Merlin felt his stomach churn at the idea of Arthur opening up to him.

_I was going anyway-_

His mind wouldn't let him get away with that excuse. Arthur asked him to come, whether he was coming or not. He'd given him the name "Holy Grail" when scheduling out the blocks of time... He was sure that no one else had even known the name before seeing them on stage, if they ever got that chance. Merlin, with all his sensibility and logic, couldn't allow himself that scapegoat, no matter how much he wanted it. He bit his lip. Arthur's eyes flickered from Merlin's eyes to his lips as he breathed. Merlin felt it across his neck even though Arthur was across the console from him. In his mind it was a hot and heavy breathing of his name as hands slid-

_No._

He wasn't even sure whose fantasy it was. Those brilliant blue eyes were darker than ever, a sensuous navy in the dim streetlights shining in through the glass. He wanted to look away, but the promise- and the fantasy- flashing in those eyes, in the slide of Arthur's tongue across his lip, in the slight flush of his cheeks...

"_Merlin_," Arthur breathed, a low rumble in his chest as he reached across the console.

Merlin couldn't scramble out of the car fast enough, flushed and cursing the speed of his heart as he marched into the flat quickly Arthur watched him go with a small smile. While Merlin was adorable and obviously very innocent, he'd be damned if he let Merlin getaway that easy. It would take a while, but at least he knew then that Merlin knew he was interested and there was a chance that Merlin was also interested. It made his whole night worth it even as his phone began screaming with the sound of his father's cellphone. He walked into his flat and turned on the news to see the coverage of the charity event, him and the rest of the band rocking out for the charity function, Mithian's smile and introduction as the newscasters spun it quite favorably for him. He felt warm and healing, like he wasn't being pulled in a million different directions at once... Had it not been for Merlin, he was sure that he wouldn't have done it.

_He's a bloody wizard..._Arthur shook his head. _He's my bloody wizard. _

* * *

Arthur let three weeks go by before he did anything drastic. He didn't let up on his flirting until the point that even Gwaine said "it was enough, if he doesn't get it now, you'll have to do something". He agreed and so after most of the office had cleared out, he told Merlin to come in and see him. If there was nothing strange about it, Merlin's stomach wouldn't have done a back flip. But there was something strange about the request. Arthur had asked him to come in a tone he wasn't used to. He really wasn't sure how to handle it, but rather than worry he straightened his tie, his jacket, lifted his head and knocked politely on the door to the other man's office.

"Come in."

As he stepped into the office, Arthur motioned for him to close the door behind him as he swirled a glass of brandy in hand and leaned against the desk and contemplated the life that lead up to this moment.

"You wanted to see me?" Merlin asked.

"Yes..." he sighed, setting the glass aside and regarding the tall, slim man standing across from him.

To be honest it made little to no sense. Merlin had to be the most annoying personal assistant he'd ever met, and the most snarky secretary he'd ever had... but he was also the best, the most efficient and scarily in tune with him after that first meeting. Merlin said he'd only done what needed to be done at an efficient time, but it was more than that... It was the little things, like how hot he liked his coffee, how his suits fit him and how he hated certain styles. It was how he managed to make the letters that Arthur had no clue how to word sound exactly like what he imagined, organize his schedule sensibly, and always know what Arthur needed before he did... It was the little things like how Merlin knew how much he liked sweet pastries. The way he smiled, goofy and content, the general snark, hell even when Merlin was upset with him-as the other really seemed to have no capacity for anger- Arthur couldn't shake this... pull.

_Yes,_ that's the word he was looking for... It was pull, a tug, an incessant jerking and dragging that was drawing him towards this man that he just couldn't explain...

"Is there something wrong?"

"I'm wondering what you're doing for dinner tonight..."

Merlin blinked tilting his head in confusion. Arthur didn't look phased, but Merlin saw a trembling light in his eye.

"If you fear that I'm not eating enough, you're wrong. I eat more than enough. I'm just skinny..."

Arthur shook his head, "That's not why I'm asking."

"Then why are you asking? You've never beaten around the bush before, don't start now. I might think the almighty, all-fearless Arthur was afraid..."

Arthur only chuckled, Merlin was always right... It was scary how right he always was, so he crossed the room, stalking Merlin until the man's back hit the door and blue met blue across a space that was at once tiny and impassable... At least that's how it felt, respectively, to Arthur and Merlin.

"What are you doing..."

"I'm not beating around the bush," Arthur replied with a sly smile. "Isn't it obvious?"

Merlin didn't say anything waiting for some kind of realization but it never came. The only thing that came was a strange twisting in the pit of his stomach and the back of his mind. There were parts of him rising up. In warning? In anticipation? In preparation? He didn't really know... After the thing with Cenred and Lot, he thought it was warning, but it wasn't as Uther had told exactly what he thought of Merlin. He didn't want to know, but before he could voice his confusion and wariness, Arthur's lips had mashed against his own.

Electricity and magic followed, rushing through him and out of him he could see the lights flickering beyond his eyelids, he heard things rattling beyond the distance of time and space that he was drawn down into. Over his moan and Arthur's groan, pressing against him. It was all so far away, even the physical euphoric jolt when Arthur slid his muscled thigh between Merlin's. Memories of him, not him... a different him? A different time? A different Arthur, but all the same, all the exact same rushing through his mind as if he'd only forgotten them and with them came the surge of despair, of longing and magic much stronger than anything he'd ever felt.

Another whimper at the phantom feeling of a knife in his side. Arthur grunted at the arrow in his back underneath the ecstasy of Merlin's taste.

They were in medieval dress on the cliffs of Camlan, at the Lake of Avalon... the waiting, the endless waiting...The Influenza, the inquisition,... the first World War and Guinevere... and again in the second, the death, Mordred across the battlefield at camp Camlan...Again and again and again and again... but it wasn't just the pain of seeing it happen again and again without fail... it was the feeling of despair and hopelessness to know that the Albion that he dreamed of would never come to pass... that as he'd written in his paper so long ago, Merlin, _he_, always got the shortest end of the longest stick in the universe and fate told him to just be okay with it. He was always responsible for its birth, but never able to take part in its pleasures with Arthur, or even alone. And the Tripple Goddess kept telling him to just be okay with it. With the years and eons of waiting, sleeping, dying by a lakeside tomb in hopes to see his blonde haired idiot rise and tell him something more than just "thank you". The thwarted chance over and over and over again to have him, to tell him the truth... He didn't do it for the sake of Camelot, he didn't endure the eons and millennia of rebirth, death, withering, and repetition because of some loyalty to a greater cause... He'd done it because he'd loved Arthur. _And he was tired..._

..._And like every homosexual in a heterosexual male plot, he was left to support and die in the pages of history as the second hand to the greatest thing that was ever created and ever would be..._

The war was flashing through his eyes now, gripping him and the first wave of despair came. Arthur in his uniform with Merlin a long side him, Guinevere on his arm and Merlin standing at the edge of the room, alone and watching. Alone... always alone... More than the moments of almost death, a great crushing depression swept over him, creating a pained whimper in his throat. He felt Arthur ease up on the pressure at his crotch, but not stop.

**_I can't!_**

_Yes, Merlin is commonly known as the greatest warlock to ever live, but that title always comes after the loyal servant to the Once and Future King..._

The second war, rushing into battle. Arthur clutching a picture of Guinevere in his hand, kissing it and shoving it into his breast pocket as they ran out into battle together. Never a kind word to Merlin, nothing more than a yell of, "For the love of Britain!" Not a glance back and the bullets that had pierced Arthur's body, but had pierced Merlin's soul as he had to hold his trembling, dying body at the end of the battle and swear that he would tell Guinevere that Arthur loved her, tell her that she meant the world to him, and was the last thought before he died. The knowing that he'd never remember... that he never would remember.

_Why did I never remember?_

_Merlin is nothing more than the Echo to Arthur's Narcissus, the Victor Maskell to Nick Beaver, the Judas to the Jesus..._

The cycling of time, that blonde hair strutting forward, never a look back no matter how loud Merlin was screaming. The chaos and terror of life after he was gone, the depression, the trauma or Arthur's dying breath always being "Guinevere...Guinevere... Guinevere...", and that one solitary "Thank you" in the history of their lives... never "Merlin" never "You're the best friend I've ever had" never anything that would make it hurt any less. Never anything to soothe the ache of living after that moment, alone and waiting before retro-aging, spinning through darkness and time and magic to look up into a new life, latently hoping that it would be different... Adopted, born, reborn, cycled back into infancy to forget and rebuild from the tatters of a soul, his magic holding him together... The memories pushed aside to foster a pseudo-integrity of the soul until he was ready. Until he turned 18 years old (the same age as when he'd gone to Camelot). When would it end?

_He is never given credit, nor joy, nor happiness, nor an end, he is merely the functional Other in the dichotomous system of heterosexuality..._

"NO!" Merlin screamed, pushing Arthur back and away from him. The blonde stumbled and fell to the ground looking up at Merlin's whose eyes were alight with a fire as he spoke. "_NO!_"

Arthur swallowed, trembling at the rush of desire that had come over him, and wondering if this was a reaction to that strange surge of history through his blood... He wondered if Merlin felt it too... It had been terrifying all these memories that weren't his own, but they were his in a sense... Memories of sleeping and awakening to the crisis at hand, but with no recollection of the others... Not like now when dozens of lifetimes were storming through his head, melding into his own memories like Tralfamadorian extensions back, but not forward. Every hit with the mace, every knife, every arrow, every bullet...every death.

"Never... never again... Never... no. Never," Merlin said shaking his head opening the door. "I won't be that Merlin _ever_!"

He stormed out leaving a dazed and confused Arthur. Maybe that had been a response to the memories, maybe it wasn't... But Arthur's experience was different. Through his memories, he'd only ever seen Merlin by his side through each Guinevere, the countless Mordreds and Morganas... he'd only remembered those harbored feelings and the anxiousness to see Merlin again after his long sleeps... That niggling feeling in his soul that made him take the second glance, or have a second thought... that slowly growing and coming to life ability and self-knowledge that grew over lifetimes instead of in one... the realization of his emotions... It had never been Guinevere... it had never been anyone else there... He'd always avoided it, doing what was proper, what would hurt less, what would salvage his reputation... what Merlin would have wanted... what he thought Merlin wanted for him...It had never been...

"Merlin wait!"

But the man was gone, rushing out into the cold December and down the street before Arthur had even managed to get up again. He sighed still feeling his lips tingling with something like happiness and an eternal joy finally coming to life inside him. The memories were cramming into his head and he watched them extend through the turns of time, memories he didn't experience but had of lives gone past all the way back to him throwing knives at that poor peasant.

_"I would never have a friend that could be so much of an ass..."_

He chuckled pitifully and nodded, Merlin was right. He'd been an ass, a prat, a clotpole and any of those other ridiculous names (which he now knew to be valid terms for the most part, Shakespeare and other wise) that he'd come up with. He'd been a fool... a blinded fool, a blinded terrified cowering fool!

* * *

Even as his memories coalesced, settled and extended back coming with nauseating waves of despair and darkness, Merlin didn't think on it a moment longer, catching the first train to Ealdor that he could find and running to that house he'd always called home-at least in this life time. He wouldn't have been surprised if there were sparks at the edges of his shoes or that his eyes were glowing gold, he'd gotten there much faster than he probably should have. When he reached his house, he opened waved the door and stepped in. Hunith got off the couch in a hurry and looked at him.

"Merlin, what are you doing?! You're soaked-"

"You knew," Merlin said. "You knew! You and Dad knew! That's the real reason you named me Merlin isn't it?!"

Hunith went quiet and she swallowed, "I..."

"You never knew before, why do you know now? Why... Why... Why didn't you stop me?"

He whimpered feeling the pain in his head again with all the memories crowding in for space, melting into him, changing him he could feel it. It was like reliving every life. Every sickness, every stab, every mace, every battle, every bullet... every death. He hated it, he fought it with everything he had, but it was no use. It was date and destiny, some kind of chemical necessity in the brain that had persisted and grown stronger through his life times. Memories crowded and and immobilized him, the feeling of growing and shrinking at alarming speeds, spinning down, down, down until he was staring up into his mother's eyes once more in all her versions and lives. He saw his father sometimes, flickering in and out of his personal history. She stayed silent, got him a towel to wrap around him, and rubbed his back.

"Come inside, get dry and we'll talk okay?"

He nodded mutely at her coaxing and stumbled to his feet towards the room where he'd left a few things to change into and rolling his wet clothing into a bundle to be washed later. He sat at the kitchen table with a towel over his head and a cup of hot tea in front of him.

"We didn't name you Merlin because of this... I didn't... really remember anything until you went to London for a few months ago... Everything came back to me in a flash, all the past lives in which I didn't remember, the ones in which I did... By then it was too late...You'd already met Arthur..."

He stayed silent sniffling as she sighed, "I'm sorry that-"

"All of that research... all of the writing, the promises, the swearing... the hiding, everything... only to find out that I don't have a choice in the matter... only to find out that it was all carved out from the beginning..."

"You always have a choice," Hunith said. "What you choose to do with this is up to you."

He snorted in derision. Choice? He wouldn't have chosen any of those past lives, but he didn't have a choice. Merlin didn't like it, but he didn't say anything. He stayed the night instead and headed back to London in the morning. All his memories were at rest now, in order and pacified at their due acknowledgement. He hadn't slept much, waking up on the edge of screaming sometimes, the bursts of magic...He took a breath and told himself to get a grip. There was no other choice.


	3. For All Our Lives, I am Yours

**To be honest I was trying to finish this as a 3 shot, but I'm not really sure how that's going to work out. This (and the others that I will write) are completely different from my older work as anyone who has read the other fics have noticed. I've never written anything this short before... We'll see how I feel (and how you feel) by the end of the chapter. **

* * *

Merlin went to work and avoided Arthur like the plague. Gwen thought it was impossible to do, but somehow Merlin had managed to only communicate through sticky notes, emails, text messages, and memos.

Arthur was getting fed up with it after an hour, he had no idea how he'd managed it for a week. But by Saturday, he was seething and the weather seemed to agree with him. It was a bitterly cold Saturday even for December. Lakes and Ponds were frozen over, the city was iced up, but there was no snow. Arthur supposed he should have been happy about that, but he wasn't, he really wasn't with Merlin avoiding him as successfully as he was... It was annoying to say the least. But he figured out Merlin's tactics early enough that he wasn't going to let this go. They would speak damn it!

He left early with Gwaine and Percival, went home and stayed there. He went to sleep or ignored the calls if Arthur tried to contact him about anything other than work and somehow the other just knew when it was work related and knew when to cut the conversation so as to not stray into anything else. But Arthur had been a King in his first life and all the royal indignation was roiling and all the latent feelings were too. He was furious and he refused to be ignored by his servant, his private, his secretary or personal assistant for a day longer. He absolutely refused to go to sleep knowing that the matter was still unresolved and burning through his consciousness, leaving him horny and angry in the morning. Thus, his Knights came to his aid once more.

It turned out that Merlin was avoiding any social contact for the week Arthur suffered through without seeing the man. Gwaine and Percival were dragging Merlin out of his house that night and unbeknownst to Merlin, Arthur would be there as well. After a week of calming himself, midnight meditations and magic focusing sessions, Merlin felt a little more himself. Well, as much of himself as he could with dozens of other selves crowding at the edges of his own memories.

He'd never had his magic since birth since the first lifetime...He's also never taken this long to remember. Merlin tried not to over speculate what these changes in the string of repeating lives he had, but the rest of him didn't. They said that there was something else coming. Part of him thought it was something worse, maybe something better. The 21st Century Merlin didn't give a flying fuck as to which it was. He was inches away from turning over that letter of resignation that he'd written and going to work for Gaius. Luckily, he wasn't left with enough space to decide with Gwaine calling and demanding that he come out of his mystical cave and have a bit of fun. He'd taken the offer thinking that he'd calmed himself enough, he had a grasp on his emotions, and _Arthur _wouldn't be there.

They met up at a pub called L'Morte d' Albion on the outskirts of town, nearer to the mysterious Lake of Avalon around which a lot of myths and legends surrounded. Merlin sneered at the eeire mist, hating it and watching the flickering of the midday suns, midnight moons, and dusks over the centuries. Of him dragging Arthur's body there, sitting there, and screaming into the mist.

_Come back, damn you! Don't leave me again!_

_Let me come with you!_

He shivered at that last thought, it had been a dark moment for him that he didn't want to think about, even if it was only technically his. He decided that he needed a drink. His alcohol tolerance was terrible, but he didn't really care for drink as much as company. Merlin arrived after the trio were already settled in. He froze when Arthur's blue eyes met his across the pub and managed to clear his throat and march forward bravely. He would not run, he was in control. His breath came in steadily and left just as easy, his heart was calm, his brain was focused... It was only his memories that rioted and his magic that thrashed in agony at the approach. He wanted to do the same, but he had to be firm. Wasn't seeing him again what Merlin had been preparing for?

He wasn't prepared from the temporal echo of Arthur's face covered in soot, dirt, ash, blood, tears... all ending in a sickly blue hue as Merlin set him adrift through the mists of Avalon and waited until his pseudo-death. He snorted inwardly at the thought as he made his way through the bar earning appreciative looks. Destiny, Fate, and the Tripple Goddess had not even bothered to let him die truly. He only outlived all those he'd ever loved and retro-aged into infancy with no recollection of his former life until his 18th birthday.

_You are a cruel mistress, aren't you? _Apparently, all the fucked up choices he'd have over his lifetimes wasn't enough. They just thought that he deserved more than that pain. He was a kicking bag for the universe.

Arthur's eyes trailed down his body and Merlin felt it like a lick on his spine. His thoughts dispelled. _That_ look was echoed in so many others that Merlin was lost in the momentary time skip and came back to his body standing at the edge of the booth.

"Alright, Merlin! You made it!" Gwaine greeted. "About time too! Drinks just arrived. Good to see you out of your cave."

They were sitting in a booth and with Gwaine and Percival sitting across from one another, Merlin had little choice. Arthur watched him over the rim of his beer froth and was aware of Merlin avoiding his eyes. He couldn't believe it. He'd been burning up the sheets in his dreams, dragging his fingers through dark hair, staring into blue eyes flashing gold with passion and magic. He'd been driving them both to unspeakable heights and screaming in utter ecstasy and desire... Yet the real life version was taking every effort possible not to share leg space with him. It couldn't have been comfortable, Arthur knew and that had pissed him off more than anything. Rather than talking to him, he decided that it was better to cause himself discomfort. He tried his best to be nice about it, but at the point that Merlin was turning aside and sticking his legs out into the aisle, he said screw it to allowing Merlin to come to him. It was time to start pulling, so he grabbed the other's legs with his own, twisting and twining and dragging them back under the table. The minor scuffle was not lost on Gwaine and Percival who stopped their own amiable chat to look at the two. Arthur looked at Merlin over the sip he was taking, pining him in place and Merlin stared into his beer as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. No one moved and even the bar's chatter had seemed to lull into silence in the moment.

"I-" Merlin went quiet at the look Arthur was giving him, daring him to argue and Gwaine gave a low whistle and took a drink.

"Not at all tense is it?" Gwaine asked. Merlin said nothing but Arthur could feel the tension running through his legs, threatening to shake him out of his seat. He downed the rest of the mug with shaky hands and avoiding his eyes.

"Merlin, " Arthur growled. "_Merlin._"

He didn't and flinched at the sound of that growl. He couldn't.

"Look at me..."

Eyes glanced and then away, Arthur growled again and grabbed his hand, tugging and their eyes met for a moment and there was a flicker of gold and absolute terror. Arthur was caught off guard for a moment, but squeezed his hand imploringly. His expression softened and warmed to something like understanding and love. It made Merlin's heart beat faster, it made him feel sick, it made every part of his throw up their hands in cheers except for the current one, except from Merlin Emrys Ambrosius of the 21st century. He was spiraling out of control and he hated it. He couldn't afford that devotion the other was pulling from him. He'd spent lifetimes dedicated to this man, never asking for anything and never getting anything. Not this time. He would never do it again, even if he had to-

"Merlin..."

His hands jerked away, pulled his legs away and bolted for the door. Gwaine yelled after him. Arthur followed, chasing after him. Gwaine and Percival looked at each other and sighed realizing that this was a moment for those two... Gwaine toasted to the hope that at last Merlin would get his brains screwed out and Arthur would stop looking as if he'd fuck anything that came close enough. He downed the beer and snagged Merlin's untouched one.

"-or kill it." Percival added and Gwaine agreed.

Arthur hadn't realized the lithe thing was so graceful and so fast. If he hadn't played soccer and rugby so much he was fairly sure that he wouldn't be able to keep up with him through the woods and away from the pub. As it was, he wasn't nearly as fast as Merlin barreling through the woods with no regard to anything, blinded by terror and desperation.

"Merlin! Merlin! Where are you going?! MERLIN!"

But Merlin didn't hear him, not because he was out of range, but because he knew where he was going: away. Away from him, away from the endless cycle, away from everything and out of this life. This was it, he was done. He was done being the punching bag, he was done with the splinters... He was going to Avalon whether they wanted to keep him there or not. He broke through the trees, nearly tripping over his legs and dove head first through the ice and sent a flash of magic to rethicken and harden it. He hoped the ice would knock him out on impact, but it wasn't thick enough for that.

"MERLIN!" He could hear through the ice, but everything was cold reaching through him and he was fighting with his magic not to save his life. The battle took up more time than his body thought and he realized hazily that he was sinking and his heartbeat was slowing down... He was cold... and then so hot...then numb. He didn't feel anything. He could hear another splash but it was all so far away and the lights were falling on him. He was going back to Avalon and if they ever tried to kick him out again, he'd given them a lot more than hell.

Arthur heard the splash and ran towards it, his heart thudding, adrenaline rioting in his veins and everything in him screaming: MERLIN!

He dove in with no regard to the icy depths that welcomed him and pricked his eyes, or the fact that there was no longer any sign that Merlin had dove in. He felt the pain of breaking through the ice and was glad he dove in feet first. He opened his eyes against the sting. He needed to see, his body shuddered, but all he saw were flicks of lights shining out like S.O.S. beacons. Golden flecks and bubbles that he stroked towards to feel a solid, thin hand limp in the water. He grabbed it, pulling the body closer to him and kicked off the floor of the lake. Praying that he would be able to find the hole he'd crashed through before it froze over again, or before he was out of time, he stroked towards the surface of semi-lightfast ice. He cursed and cursed again as he was met with resistance, banging on the ice, running out of time. His lungs burned, he saw a flash of scarlet in the water and felt nothing in his hand as he thrusted through water to hit ice.

_Move! Move! Move!_

The water was too thick, he pulled Merlin up, covering his lips with his own and giving him the last of his air. He didn't know if it did anything, but it made beat at the ice harder, slamming into it and stroking to keep them close the surface.

_Cr-Cr- Crack!_

A wave of energy rushing through the lake, through him, and his bloody hand broke through icy water into blindingly cold wind. He thrashed it around to clear space for them to break through the ice and stuck his and Merlin's head up through the ice. Arthur grabbed a plate of ice and slid Merlin over it, holding onto the edge of it over the edge of Merlin's wool neckerchief and kicked up onto it beside him. They weren't too far from shore so the half-shimmy over ice, half-stroking through the moments of broken ice, mostly dog paddling that Arthur managed was enough to get them onto dry earth, dripping ice water everywhere. Shivering as he splayed Merlin out, looked down at him, and yelled at him.

"Merlin! If you die, I'll kill you!"

His mind noticed the irony of that statement but nothing else in him did as he pressed on Merlin's chest: 1, 2, 3-Breathe...

His lips were freezing, his mouth was too. He wasn't breathing.

1,2,3-Breathe...

_Merlin, don't you dare die on me!_

1,2,3-Brea-

Merlin coughed and sputtered ice water practically into Arthur's breath as his body gulped for air. Arthur thanked the heavens for small miracles before bundling Merlin up in his arms and making his way back towards the pub and to his car, starting up the heater immediately and splaying Merlin across the back seat. He knew he was on the edge of hypothermia too, but he was bigger than Merlin. He found a towel front his stint to the gym and some other clothes that smelled like sweat. Since dirty clothes were a lot better than wet, frigid ones, he moved to get Merlin out of his wet clothes and dried as much as possible. He slipped the man into a pair of his shorts and sat him in front of the heater, wrapping him in the game day blanket in the trunk before climbing into the car and heading home, glancing at Merlin every so often to make sure the other wasn't getting worse. His breathing still came out raggedly, in shudders and shivers. Arthur carried him into the lift and into his apartment as quickly as possible, once again undressing Merlin, cradling his shivering body against his own shivering one as he ran the shower and set Merlin in the tub below the spray. He plugged the drain to let Merlin soak in warm heat. Arthur took the time to get undressed and join him, cradling the younger man up against him and watching the sickly blue grow to an acceptable and vibrant red. He fought drowsiness with moments of running the shower over the both of them and soaking in the hot water. He fell asleep on the couch long after he'd gotten Merlin, and himself, dressed in warm winter clothes, wool socks and tucked the younger into bed. He only hoped that he would wake up before Merlin got the bright idea to run away again.

Merlin woke up under a ceiling he recognized, but was not his own. The room was warm and humid, he was swaddled under blankets in a bed, in clothers that were not his own either. When he sat up it was obvious that it wasn't just some room, as Arthur's mother looked at him with a tiny blonde haired baby in her arms behind polished glass. He was in _Arthur's_ apartment... in Arthur's clothes that were too big for him in ways that made him remember exactly how skinny he was. He was alive and glowered at the idea. Apparently, Destiny was more aggressive than he remembered. It could manage to keep him alive, but had failed to make sure that, without Merlin, nit's plans for Arthur would go through without a hitch, or at least without hitches that would kill the plan. There was a rustle of clothing beyond the door as lightning and thunder struck beyond the window and he remembered how he'd had to have gotten there...

Arthur must have followed him to the Lake... must have pulled him out of that ice and cold, he resented the other for it. Who told him to save Merlin? Why did he always have to be such a hero even when no one wanted him to be?

_Damn hetero-male conquering, dominating, hero complex having, overbearing, cabbage head.._

"You're awake," Arthur grinned. "I was beginning to worry a bit...How do you feel?"

He didn't say anything looking at his hands as Arthur crossed the room to lay a hand on his forehead which Merlin attempted to evade but failed. Arthur didn't say anything about it, just kept his hand firmly on Merlin's head, until the other was flat on his back.

"Looks like we barely avoided you getting sick...hungry? I made soup."

He could smell it, and unlike all the other times of moments like this, it didn't smell completely terrible... It may have been eatable, but he wouldn't eat it.

"You should really be more careful, evading me is one thing. Tripping into the Lake of Avalon and almost getting yourself killed is another."

"I didn't trip," Merlin said. "I ran to it."

Arthur swallowed looking at the other who glared at him, "Why did you save me?"

Arthur scoffed, "Well, that's a stupid question... I thought it would be obvious."

"You should have let me die."

"And why is that?" Arthur asked. "I must say I don't like this self-wallowing hatred and pity you've got going. I definitely don't like you avoiding me, what the hell was that about?"

"I'm tired..." He said. "I'm going home..."

He moved to get up but Arthur shoved him back on the bed, "It's raining ice and hell out there and I just pulled you out of an ice lake... You really think I'm going to let you walk out into the cold again? Dream on."

Merlin glared, "I could make you."

"You wouldn't ever use your magic against me like that..."

Merlin glared at him and huffed, turning away, "Shouldn't you be off fighting a war or something?"

"I already have."

"Where's Gwen?"

"Probably rocking the twins to sleep with Lancelot..."

"Mordred?"

"Probably boning my sister..."

Merlin glared at him as Arthur sat down, "I can't understand you Merlin... what's wrong?"

But then there was something in his words that Merlin realized... It was the tone and the content. There was that regal accent of his past, the certain annoying and comforting tone of arrogance...and the memories... He'd already fought a war? Merlin would never use his magic like that?...How did Arthur know about his Magic? He hadn't said anything about it in this life time, he hadn't even used it around Arthur... He'd kept his magic for private meditation moments and private times when he was alone...

Arthur _remembered?_ Merlin whirled, grasping Arthur's arms and gripping them more tightly than Arthur had realized that he could.******  
**

"What did you say?"

"That Mordred's probably-"

"No... before... the war..."

"I've already fought in them..."

"Which ones?"

Arthur snorted, "Don't be an _idiot,_ Merlin. you know which ones."

"Tell me!" Merlin demanded. "World War One?"

"Trench warfare sucks-"

"World War Two?"

"I don't appreciate your attempt at walking into fire, you could have been killed."

"Camlann..."

Arthur rolled his eyes, "Obviously!"

"You... you... you know about my magic..."

"No, Merlin. I just think that your eyes naturally glow gold and it's just a coincidence that strange and beneficial things happen when they do... Did you hit your head on that ice or are you naturally this stupid?"

Merlin's eyes widened and he curled away from Arthur, but Arthur didn't let him move, crawling over him and pinning him flat with his body weight.

"Get off me!"

"Not until you stop acting like such a teenager and talk to me..."

"I am not... I..."

Their eyes met in the moment of indignation and eons passed before either of them said anything.

"Ar-"

Arthur didn't let him speak, knowing that there would be something ridiculous coming out of it. Merlin thrashed, resisting the feeling of Arthur's lips massaging his own. Arthur slid between his thighs, grinding down against him and pinning his hands above his head. Merlin gasped and struggled, too hyper sensitive for Arthur to shoving his hand down his pants and grabbing hard. His hips jerked, his dick hardened, he screamed and it was all swallowed by Arthur.

_Arthur...Arthur... Arthur..._

"No-"

"Shut up," Arthur growled, pulling Merlin's shirt over his head and biting down on his neck so he screamed, breaking into shuddering, screaming and blind thrashing. Arthur paid no attention to it, pulling off his clothes, quickly and swallowing his cries.

All of Merlin's memories of dreams and Arthur's recently materialized fantasies flared and Merlin screamed.

"No-"

"Shh," Arthur groaned, yanking a little harder on Merlin's thighs, pressed his fingers into Merlin to stretch him. Merlin whimpered at the feel of Arthur's tongue against his own. He screamed and jerked in his arms, something fell across the room and was hurled across the hall. It was things were shattering, rocking on their own as Arthur over powered him. It was violent, gold eyes flashing, screams and groans.

"Arth-"

"Shut up!"

He whimpered, clamoring to get away from something too intense for him to handle as Arthur's hands wrapped around their cocks, pressed together and stroked hard, reducing Merlin to a squirming mess of sensation and lights. He couldn't! He couldn't do this! This had to stop!

Something sounded like it burst in the bathroom, the bed seemed to skid around and whirl around them, but none of it was aimed at Arthur. It seemed that it was 21st Century, scholarly Merlin, not his magic, nor his heart, but his head that was fighting the most, his body was somewhere in the middle at once reacting to Arthur's skill and resisting it. It was rough pining Merlin down so Arthur could nibble a path down to his prize and swallow Merlin whole.

"NO!" Merlin screamed, thrashing around, pushing at Arthur's head, pulling at his blonde strands in desperation, but his King wouldn't budge. Taking his time to swirl his tongue around Merlin's length and sucking hard until Merlin couldn't thrash, but could only hold on for dear life at the sensations ricocheting through him. Cabinets flew open. Drawers leapt from their places. Forks, spoons, and knives flew around the apartment. Pillows exploded, but Arthur didn't notice and neither did Merlin.

The cries of resistance simmered down to helpless and pleading whines and moans as Merlin squirmed, half for more and half for release, but for freedom all the same. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't do it at all. He wouldn't-

Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin's legs, keeping the open and apart, not allowing Merlin any control over speed or depth but looking up at Merlin's panting and flushed face through the fringe of his blonde hair. He looked so desperate, for what it didn't seem that even Merlin knew. He was crying, tears streaming, mouth open and red, a hand digging into his eye, the other threaded through Arthur's hair.

"N-...No... No..." Merlin breathed, but the rest of the protest was choked on the apex of pleasure that stormed through him.

Arthur took it in, noting the slightly sweet and salty taste of Merlin's cum on his tongue. He pooled it there before sliding up the length of his body and kissing Merlin full on the mouth, allowing him the carnal pleasure of tasting himself on Arthur's tongue. When Arthur pulled back, Merlin's tears were coming faster, steady streams down his face from pure blue eyes. It seemed that Merlin had tired himself out a little and his magic was no longer on a riot.

"No..." Merlin whispered again and Arthur grinned.

"I love you," he said and kissed him once more, before flipping him over and pulling his cheeks apart to slide his tongue over the twitching hole.

Merlin didn't hear it consciously but there was a twist of lightning that made the lights in the apartment flicker before the light bulbs exploded into glass rain. Merlin shrieked and moved forward but Arthur didn't release him, no matter how hard Merlin twisted against the feeling, no matter how hard he pushed at Arthur's head. Pretty soon, Merlin's resistance turned into weak whimpers as Arthur fucked him with tongue and the wriggling mass flicked over nerve endings too innocent for such stimulation. He came again as Arthur began stroking three fingers over Merlin's hole before fumbling for the lube in his nightstand as Merlin squirmed in panic, but melted all the same under Arthur's lips. The sound that came at the entry of the first finger was something like a scream, but more of a muffled yelp. Hands fell hard against his shoulders, over and over again until Merlin didn't seem to have the strength to fight anymore, too overwhelmed by Arthur's presence, the things he was doing to him. That didn't stop him from resisting with whatever semblance of control that Merlin still clung to.

"No..." he breathed as Arthur rose up to crouch on the bed and pull Merlin closer to him, legs spread, cradled in the crooks of his arms. Merlin's arms half-splayed, half reaching. He could see the hickeys slowly getting darker on pale skin and wanted to keep marking it as he slid into Merlin so deep, no sound came from Merlin's mouth, just an open mouth and silent gasp. A whimper and Arthur's groan as he pulled the other's legs farther apart and began a slow and deep rhythm into his warlock.

Dear _Goddess_, how long had he'd secretly wanted this moment? How many lives had he'd dreamed of this man splayed out beneath him, gasping for pleasure and completion, squirming and calling out to him? Of course half of those things would not happen this night, but the right to kiss him, to hold him, to make love to him without hiding it, without a cover of heterosexuality... How long had he wanted _this_? Looking down at the still weeping/moaning/gasping Merlin, he could honestly say that it was not as long as Merlin's wait, though probably not far behind. He leaned down to kiss Merlin gently, deeply, teasing with sensuous grazes of the lips and earning his gasping and the closing of his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin," Arthur admitted, hoisting a leg onto his shoulder and thrusting harder, too deep for Merlin to breath. Desperate shaky fingers reached up to him, nails dug into shoulders, and it felt so good... so _right_.

All the dreams and imagining that had plagued Merlin's nights for centuries flitted through and burned in pale comparison to the reality of the moment, but a part of him still thrashed in resistance, even as all he could see were the lights of what he swore was Avalon. He couldn't do this, he couldn't! His heart wouldn't make it another time, even if he had this night to treasure forever, he couldn't do it. His soul wouldn't make it. He wouldn't survive it again.

"No..." Merlin weeped, pushing at his shoulders, pulling him closer so conflicted, Arthur, threaded a hand through his hair and brought him close, placing open mouth kisses across his neck.

"It's alright," he said. "Just let me love you..._Don't be afraid_. I'm here..."

Merlin was tight, tight enough to make him dizzy and refuse to stop. He pulled Merlin up to wrap around him, bouncing him up and down as Merlin held on for dear life hearing Arthur's apology and pledges of love and commitment through the haze that was the shuddering force with which Arthur made love to him. Any consciousness came with the continued flashes of destruction around the apartment.

He didn't find the ability to breathe until Arthur turned him over and Merlin found himself on his hands and knees with Arthur searching for entrance into him. Merlin squirmed and moved to get away, but the King wasn't stupid. He recognized the line of tension running through Merlin and placed one hand between his shoulder blades, the other on his waist, gripping and pushing until Merlin's chest was flat on the mattress and Arthur was fully seated inside him. Merlin flushed at the position, but couldn't stop the gasp of pleasure and the shudder that ran through him every time Arthur pulled him back onto his cock-_hard_. The steady resounding slap of skin against skin and the ripple of movement that went through him made him dizzy.

"No," Merlin gasped. "No... don't..."

"I love you," Arthur told him, his thrusts getting more sporadic the longer he did. Merlin had lost the number of times he'd come, but it was enough to make everything blurry and dark as if he were tipping off to sleep.

"No... please...no..."

"Come on, honey, "Arthur crooned, reaching around to stroke Merlin in time with his thrust, earning a new yelp of resistance, but no bodily movement that wasn't caused by the snap of his hips. "Come for me darling, _come for me_."

"No..."

"Tell me the truth."

"No..."

Arthur licked along Merlin's neck, "Tell me you love me."

"No..."

Arthur smiled at his half-conscious defiance, but nuzzled him and squeezed hard until the last tiny whimper escaped Merlin and he lay panting on his stomach beneath Arthur in a daze of completion with the vague understanding that he still existed as a physical entity. Arthur kissed his head, wiped his tears and pulled out of him gently before sliding up to snuggle up beside him and cuddle him close. Arms wrapped around him, Merlin's face resting against his chest, breathing in his scent as he faded off into sleep barely catching Arthur's declaration of love on the edge of of consciousness.

When he woke up there was something stroking through his hair, tracing the lines of his face. He realized it was Arthur's hand fiddling with the waves and curls of his dark hair and tracing the planes of his cheeks, staring with an intensity that brought back the events of the night in full force. His eyes flickered gold for a moment and the space between them appeared, pushing Merlin back across the sheets and out of Arthur's reach faster than Arthur could turn over to catch him.

"Merlin," Arthur said softly,twining his fingers with Merlin's and tugging him. "Merlin."

"I... I can't."

"It's a little late for _that_,isn't it?" Arthur asked wryly, getting a better handle on him and pulling him back towards him, close enough to share a pillow and Arthur could see all the emotions running across his face. "Talk to me Merlin...We lived in secret enough, you've lived with secrets enough... I won't have it anymore."

Merlin thought it was ironic that suddenly Arthur had a concept of secrets being kept and now that, after the many incarnations, Arthur remembered, he was suddenly against the very thing that had kept Merlin safe for so long.

"Talk to me," he said softly. "Even if you think I won't understand... It's better than keeping it to yourself..."

Merlin bit his lip which Arthur wrestled from between his teeth to suck on gently and gain entry into Merlin's pliant mouth. Merlin whimpered at the feel of Arthur pressing up against him, still hard.

"Talk to me," Arthur murmured, Merlin shook his head and leaned away from him. Arthur huffed, pulling the thin body beneath him with a defiant yank and settling between his thighs. "Talk to me."

"No," Merlin gasped, half-immobilized by the new streaks of sensation shooting through him and making him realize that he was far too sensitive to be touched like this.

But Arthur wasn't giving up, knowing that Merlin was the most honest when he didn't have a choice, when he was beneath Arthur and in haze of pleasure if the state of his apartment was anything to go by.

"Merlin," Arthur groaned, sliding fingers inside the other to draw out a delicious yelp. "Talk to me... or I'll make you talk..."

Merlin's eyes widened, teary blue and terrified at the prospect even as Arthur was stretching him and sliding down the length of him. Merlin shook his head, moving to scramble away but Arthur was faster. He'd already caught him, locking his hips still as Merlin mewled and trembled.

"Talk to me."

"Pl-Please... no..."

Arthur didn't bother arguing but taking a long lick across his spine and sliding down, lower and shoving his tongue inside him. Merlin shrieked and fell forward under Arthur's care, trembling, twisting trying to fight it but it didn't work. Arthur was too good, he seemed to know Merlin's body too well (which was frightening considering that in no past life had they been anywhere close to this).

"Arthur, Arthur..." Merlin moaned. "_Arthur..."_

When Arthur began to stroke him, all the resistance gave way.

"Arthur... more..._more~_," he whined, gasping at the feeling of Arthur's tonguing him. The tears had started up again and he couldn't stop squirming, pleading. "Please... _please_... more... _more_..._more!_"

Arthur pulled back and flipped Merlin over at the height of his pleading making the man a mess of desire and pleading. Merlin reached for him desperately, but Arthur pulled back, his eyes trained on him.

"A-Arthur..." he whispered. "P-Please..."

"Talk to me," he whispered froze and Arthur stroked him, pulling him back to the gentle disposition of pleading, obliging. "Talk to me Merlin. What's wrong..."

"I... I... Arthur... "

"Talk to me," Arthur pleaded.

"I-I... I c-can't..."

"Yes, you can. It's not that hard and contrary to prior lives I have learned to listen even to the completely vague hints. It didn't take too many life times to learn that when you cry, it's for a reason. A deeply disturbing, life altering reason..."

Merlin couldn't even muster a chuckle, but sniffled pitifully as Arthur kissed him again.

"Talk to me..."

"I can't..."Merlin whined.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I can't... I won't..."

Arthur grinned, he loved a challenge, pulling Merlin's leg up over his shoulder and pushing in swiftly earning Merlin's silent scream and ribbons of white shooting across his abs in a hot, sticky mess.

"I think you can, and you will.."

Merlin shook his head, he didn't understand. Arthur never understood, he never heard and Merlin hit his shoulder hard.

"You're not... I can't! I won't!"

"You can't and won't what Merlin? Let yourself have me? Let me have you? Let this happen? It's already too late for that," He punctuated the statements with hard thrusts. "You're mine, I'm yours. It's always been that way. What the hell are you so afraid of?"

Merlin shuddered with each thrust, hanging on and pulling Arthur to him, drowning in those full lips and passion.

"I love you,"Arthur pleaded. "Just talk to me..."

"I can't do this any longer," Merlin whispered. Arthur slowed to a stop, gazing into teary, weary, and flickering blue eyes. "I can't...My heart... my soul can't take it anymore..."

Arthur regarded him and wondered since when did Merlin's eyes get to be so old? So world weary? He sniffled, his body trembling and Arthur sat up to give him room to breathe and think without him in his psychic space.

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't... even if I had this memory to last forever... even if I remembered every time after this... I can't... I can't take it anymore." Merlin confessed. "I can't love you now knowing that the next time you may not remember, knowing that next time you may not love me either... I can't watch you die again and again in my memories and wait... and grow old and reverse in what feels like a breath... I can't go through this again. My soul can't take being ripped apart again. I can't take striving towards this Golden Age and never knowing if it will happen, what will go wrong and having nothing to show for it except your death and another lifetime of suffering... I can't believe in destiny anymore... I don't believe in this anymore...I don't believe in the Golden Age... I don't believe...I can't..."

Arthur waited as Merlin shook his head.

"No matter how much I love you," Merlin whispered, cupping Arthur's face in his hands. Arthur's heart rushed into a thudding pace. He couldn't breathe and was smothered by the absolute devotion and love in the other's blue eyes. He couldn't breathe because they were just so sad... Did it hurt that much to love him?

"No matter how many time I've dreamed of this moment... of a chance where you may remember and come to love me as I've always loved you... No matter how much I've always wanted, dreamed, and hoped that we could share a Golden Age together...I can't loose you, like I always do, I can't take loving you again...I can't believe it anymore..."

"I don't understand..."

"If you asked me to stay here with you... if you asked to have me. I would... but when you wake up in the next life, with no recollection, I will have already killed myself."

Arthur frowned looking down at him. There was a depth of emotion that he couldn't reach in those blue eyes that made him want to pull the other closer and love away all that pain... At the same time, he knew that wasn't possible...not until Merlin realized exactly how silly he was being. He was going to kill himself this way. He was making it worse. Yes, most of it was Arthur's fault but they were together now, surely he wasn't too late. Everything in him wanted to ask, _What about now? What about the Arthur of the 21st Century? What about the Merlin of now? Didn't they deserve a chance?_

Arthur shook his head, kissing Merlin's palms. He wasn't being silly, he was trying to protect himself as much as possible. All those memories were pushing in on him and none of Arthur's versions knew the depth of everything Merlin had gone through... the darkness he'd survived and battled with to give Arthur his time to rise in strength. He'd never known about all that strength...Given the depth of pain that he was sure that Merlin wasn't going to let him see...he didn't have a choice. As much as he hated to let Merlin go without having a proper talk, he wasn't going to get it until Merlin was ready to talk... He wouldn't get it until their suffering had been prolonged and Merlin realized the fallacy in his argument, or was ready to listen to him. It would do no good to point out now, it would only drive him away.

So he nodded with a sigh, "Okay Merlin...okay."

His eyes widened feeling his insides seize up as Arthur leaned down to lay atop him and stroke his fingers through his hair.

"I know this wonderful brain of yours well enough... to know that I can't tell you why I think you're wrong. I also know that I've hurt you enough for you to be so closed off from anything I could possibly say that it would be a waste of time to say it..."

Merlin waited, watching his face as he leaned in again to steal another kiss. Merlin flinched.

"Can I ask something of you though?"

Merlin worried his lip and nodded hesitantly. There was very little he wouldn't, couldn't, and hadn't done for this man.

"For tonight and tomorrow, until we get back to work... could we... Not go the route of destiny?"

Merlin frowned but Arthur trudged on.

"Could we act like who we are in this century...is all we are? Meaning that I get to detain you to this bed with sexual favors and passion, feed you, love you, and drive you home on Sunday night. Until then, could we just be Arthur and Merlin two men in the 21st century? The most cliche of a boss and his personal assistant in love and spending an inordinate amount of time in bed together?"

"I..."

"Think of it as a chance to live all those fantasies... I don't think we'll get through all of your role-playing ideas tonight, but I'm sure we can hit one from each era. What do you think? On Monday, I promise, we can go back to being this conglomeration of lives."

Merlin flushed as Arthur grinned. It was tempting but he didn't think he could manage that degree of freedom without missing it later... It wasn't a difficult request and everything in him wanted to jump at it...

"I..."

"I promise to keep you sexed up, fed, and 's two days of bliss and fantasy.I think destiny and obligation can give us two days... "

Merlin bit his lip again, wary and Arthur kissed him. Merlin sighed and nodded in agreement. Arthur was right, they were off work anyway so it was okay... and... he _deserved_ it. Determined to add to his collection of fantasies and memories to keep him through the rest of the miserable lives, that he was sure to come whether he wanted them or not. He felt that in his next life he'd remember it fondly and it would keep him warm, it would keep his dedication to Arthur, his love for him alive in ways that simple camaraderie couldn't. It would keep him from slitting his own throat when something happened or when he introduced Gwen to Arthur.

Arthur had other plans for the two days of splendor. He planned on learning every spot so when the two days were over, Merlin wouldn't be able to take a shower, look in the mirror, or do anything in his apartment without the thought of Arthur's hands on him, without the memory of what he looked like in Arthur's arms as he slammed into him. Yes, it would be two days of intesive mental hacking. He was glad that he'd been working so much with all the frustration of the passed weeks, it came in handy.

If there was anything that Merlin could say about Arthur, it was that he was a man of his word. When Arthur said that it would be two days of bliss and fantasy... it had been that and more. As a lover, Arthur pushed hard and teased, tickled, and baited him into ecstasy forcing him to expose part of himself he hadn't known existed. Some time after the pact was made, Arthur went to answer the door of a curious neighbor and the police due to the pandemonium of the night before.

"Apparently there was a disturbance..?" The Police officer ventured. It was hard to get anything out when the man looked so cheerful and preoccupied in his sweatpants and nothing else. The woman beside him flushed but Arthur didn't care.

"Oh... nothing serious just a lover's squabble, everything is fine now..."

It had taken ten more minutes of kind smiles and assurances before they left from in front of the door. He closed it and looked around, Merlin had done quite a job and he felt himself puff with pride. At least he knew for sure that the sex was good. When he returned to the bedroom, stepping over broken glass and small streams of water coming from the bathroom, Merlin was swaddled in a sheet, blushing and looking around the chaos of the room.

Arthur grinned, "Don't get too comfortable sitting up yet... Are you in pain?"

Merlin shook his head, blushing and murmuring an apology for the mess along with a promise to clean it up. Arthur crawled back into bed, pulling his sweats off and pulling Merlin up against him as his eyes glowed gold and a ballet of repair began around them. Arthur stared in wonder at the glowing orbs and waited until the stopped before assaulting the man for their first early morning tumble. Merlin groaned and pleaded for mercy which Arthur allowed, giving him ample time to think in between each thrust... He was sure that Merlin was too preoccupied with the feeling of being stretched to his limits to actually think if the indistinct murmuring and whimpers were anything to go by.

Around noon they headed to the bathroom which Arthur made good use of, molesting Merlin up against the mirror and basin and making sure that Merlin was watching them, ordering him to watch his own face as Arthur licked, sucked, and fucked him senseless. The same was true of the shower, the glass was an almost perfect mirror, and within view of the mirror across the way. Arthur made breakfast and forced Merlin to sit in his lap on the couch, lounging, eating and watching some random television show before Arthur found the energy to get frisky again. Merlin was beginning to realized that Arthur was already to go mainly because the cum tally between them was leaning heavily towards Merlin.

When he tried to point that out Arthur only scoffed, "You're a virgin Merlin, at least you were. If I can't make you come at least three times more than myself then I am in trouble."

Merlin flushed validating Arthur's guess at his state of innocence. He'd have to ask how many life spans had it been in place, but Arthur could guess. He smiled and kissed him as the lay spent on the kitchen floor.

"Call it the beginning of a very extensive reparation payment for the splinters..."

Merlin gawked and tensed, but Arthur didn't let it linger long enough for Merlin to think about it. Most of Sunday was spent licking various substances off of Merlin and screwing him into various surfaces. He drove Merlin home, fully sated at around ten o'clock after the warlock had made sure to fix up his apartment. Before Merlin got out of the car, Arthur had blown him across the console and fingered him into a daze of completion and breathlessness. Merlin stumbled into his flat in a haze of ecstasy and exhaustion. His lips tingled with Arthur's gentle, tender, and deep kiss goodnight and the promise to see him in the morning. Merlin entered his flat and collapsed across his bed fast asleep and flushed.

* * *

It was no surprise when Merlin came rushing in Monday morning seconds from being late with an awkward gait of someone who was not in control of his own body. Arthur grinned in pride as Merlin came stumbling in looking like he'd had his enter center of gravity thrown off. He'd brushed off everyone's concern saying he just had a rough weekend. Gwaine snickered and walked into Arthur's office demanding to know.

"So all of Saturday?... Most of Sunday?"

Arthur grinned, looking up from his documents, "I blew and fingered him outside his flat Sunday night... All of Saturday, all of Sunday."

Gwaine nodded in approval and told he was proud of his cousin before swaggering out as Merlin walked in under the cover of complete professionalism. He read off his list of things to do and set down another stack of pages before apologizing for his lateness.

"Don't worry about it Merlin, you had a rough weekend."

Merlin turned on his heel and promptly walked out and the week continued like this, easing back into a gentle remembrance of their lives before the weekend of fantasy. Arthur smiled at him like he always had, but there was something else. Of course, nearly any where he turned in his apartment he was reminded of Arthur. The couch, the bed, the kitchen, it was getting so bad that he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without a boner... He'd never been one for wanking off, but he'd found it the only alternative to going back on his promise. Being at work was practically worse, but it wasn't just the physical response. (He was sure that he couldn't have been classically conditioned to get hard and squirm after a weekend of sex). He chocked that up to having been an eternal virgin before Arthur's thorough debauching. There was something else though. Something bothering him, he didn't know what it was until Uther stormed into the office. No one was in a intra-company meeting. But Merlin was giving a presentation about their progress and the managerial issues to be discussed as well as the recent company polls.

"As you can see, the jump in general company satisfaction and belonging has-"

The door flew open, Merlin looked up to see Uther glaring at him. He felt his entire body tense in defense and he nearly ran in front of Arthur. What was that feeling?

"Arthur Ivan Pendragon!" Uther thundered. "How dare you defy me! How dare you do this?"

Gwen's jaw dropped as did several other people's. Uther glared at them and then Merlin, but he didn't care. He dared Uther to go anywhere near Arthur. A fantasy of finally getting to murder him for lifetimes of wrong came to mind.

"Leave us! Get out!" Merlin didn't move but the rest of the team moved to get up.

"No," Arthur said calmly. "Sit down."

They swallowed.

"I think you've disobeyed me enough for your life time-"

"Don't make this a contest of wills, father."

"A contest of wills?! You have no will! This is my company! And it will be run-"

"Into the ground," Merlin said. "If things kept going the way they were."

Uther gawked, "How dare you..."

"It is not your company," Arthur replied. "I've read the reports father, we've been on a slow plummet for a very long time."

He went silent as Arthur picked up the pages.

"We've been running towards bankruptcy for a very long time. We've lost more employees in the last year of your being C.E.O. than in the history of the company. I can't say at what point you managed to do this, but it's happened father and whether you realized it or not, Camelot would have fallen had you stayed any longer."

"How dare you-"

"How dare I?" Arthur growled. "You've burst into a staff meeting of the utmost importance. You're yelling, getting louder and louder as if it will make all the logic in the world bend to your will. As if it will make _me _bend to your will. It won't father, not any longer. I won't sacrifice the well-being of thousands of people for you. I won't betray the people of this company for your _pride_. Now, you are welcome to wait in my office until we are done and be abreast of the situation, or stay for the meeting, but we continue, now."

Arthur took a seat, turning his back to his father and drawing up an empty chair at the edge of the table as Merlin pressed on through his presentation, commanding the attention of the staff. Uther growled but stormed out and he could see that Arthur had taken it harder than he let on.

After the meeting, Arthur walked into the C.E.O. office and closed the door. Merlin knew that it was practically the first knock-down drag out fight between the two and would probably be the only depending on how it went. There were raised voices coming through the door, the sound of things being disturbed and turned over. Arthur opened the door with Uther screaming after him but he didn't seem to care. His briefcase in hand, his keys ready and a red bruise sprouting over his cheek, he stormed through the cubicles as Uther came out glaring at Merlin.

"And consider yourself fired!"

Merlin wasn't listening, going after Arthur who was a lot faster at escaping than he thought because by the time Merlin made it to the parking lot, Arthur' car was already streaking out of the parking lot. He turned back with a growl and began to call the man, but there was no reply. Gwaine appeared with a grin and gingling keys.

"Get in," Gwaine said and climbed into the car. "There's only one place he'd go..."

Merlin didn't understand why they were driving out to an emptier side of town towards an old house, but true enough ARthur's car was parked there. Gwaine left to get back to work but told Merlin to take care of him, even if he's helpless. With the advice, Merlin stalked up the hill to knock on the front door. An older woman opened the door in shock and blinked.

"Hello, I'm looking for Arthur..."

"Oh... I'm not sure if he'd... like to be disturbed now..."

"It's important... please, I only want to speak to him..."

She looked wary but allowed him passage, pointing him towards the garden. He walked through the small green grove of flowers that he couldn't name until he heard Arthur's voice.

"I don't understand him at all! I would have thought he would have been sensible, concerned with his company's success, but all he seems to care about is his stupid pride and legacy! Saving face when everything could come crashing down! Just to think what would've... And he hit me! Not that he hasn't before, but..." Arthur sighed and Merlin heard a thud on the ground.

"God... I must have looked so pathetic... no wonder Merlin doesn't want to be anywhere near me... He probably got tired of trying to coax me into confidence..." He snorted. "You would say that Mom...'

Merlin bit his lip and rounded the corner to see Arthur kneeling in front of a stature with a plaque at the foot that read Igraine de Bois Pendragon , loving mother and faithful wife. May you be remembered always.

"I just... I just wish you were here... It would have been nice to see you chew him out about this bruise on my face...And all the other times... and give me a hint as to how to handle Merlin... I don't know what to say to him... I don't know how to explain to him that I love him and how much... That more than anything in all the lives we lived, he was more important that practically anything else... He was always there and though I didn't always know why, I never wanted him to go. I only wanted him to stay but too afraid to say that... too afraid to say that I was lonely and he was the only thing that always felt genuine. I never wanted to cause him pain... well at least not once we'd become friends...Why is it that you're always... I mean you always die without me meeting you... I'm emotional stunted and I don't know what to say."

Arthur sighed again, "I guess... I guess I shouldn't... hope for much and just... I don't Mom... Father's bound to be furious and unless he ends up back on his death bed..."

Merlin stepped a little closer, drawing Arthur's attention. He whirled and his eyes widened before turned away to hide the bruise on his face. When they're eyes met Merlin could only chuckle on the inside. It wasn't just an eternal love, or destiny... It was Aethur... It was Arthur's ability to call from him devotion, love, and a willingness to give his life in every lifetime. It was Arthur's ability to lead him and give him a focus for his powers in teaching him how powerful his charisma was. It wouldn't matter if in another lifetime neither of them remembered, just as it hadn't in the first... Arthur naturally inspired Merlin's devotion...

_Is that what you needed me to realize this time?... Is this why we're back? Is this to save Albion? Saving me?_

"I guess Gwaine brought you-"

Merlin cupped his cheek, turning him towards him with soft eyes, "You prat."

"What?"

"Why couldn't you have said all that to me?"

Arthur flushed and cleared his throat, "How... long have you been standing there?"

"Since _I don't understand him at all_."

Arthur flushed as Merlin drew him closer and kissed his lips, trembling and a little hesitant but it was a kiss that Merlin initiated. He would take that wondering if there should be any stock in the emotionally gooey when it came to Merlin. If it would earn him the man's presence so close to his own, he'd run to the nearest hill and scream it if Merlin wanted.

Arthur licked the taste of him off his lips, "What happened... to all those lives?"

"They're still here...but it's this one I'm worried about right now."

Arthur blinked, earning another kiss, "I don't want to spend another one utterly alone... even if it's just this one... Even if it just a few years that I get to have you..."

Arthur sighed at the feeling of Merlin against his chest, "So... does that mean you're mine? And you won't destroy my apartment everytime we have sex."

Merlin flushed, "I... I'm sorry. I've never lost control of it like that before."

"Don't say that, I love making you lose control."

Merlin swatted him.

"How do you feel about moving in with me?" Arthur asked.

"Don't you think we should find jobs?" Merlin asked. Arthur scoffed.

"Don't be stupid Merlin, obviously, but I've saved up more than enough for unemployment."

"Ah... only a dozen lifetimes to learn basic life skills... what a wonder."

"Are you going to do this every time?"

"I think I deserve it."

"Are you ever going to tell me... the rest of everything?"

"... Maybe."

"Not even to emasculate me? Not even to knock me down a peg or two?"

He snorted, "That doesn't require a dozen of lifetimes to do, clotpole."

Arthur tossed his head back and laughed not even realizing that his phone buzzed nearby with the news that his father had died alone in his office. They would deal with that later and face the future of Camelot in due time. For now, they were Arthur and Merlin as they should have been a millenia ago: close enough to share breathing and never apart. Arthur still thought that it was a matter of opening up and once again Merlin was actually the smarter one of the pair. They would live out their life without a death at Camlann, without a burial at Avalon... all that would have to wait until the karma was returned to Merlin in all fairness. After Merlin's soul had been healed with the love he'd been missing from all the others. After all, how would Arthur save Albion in the next life without Merlin there? And Merlin couldn't very well be there without a soul.

When they moved in together, Merlin found himself humming bars of "What About Now" as they unpacked their new flat and grinned at Arthur's form across the room.

_You are a fickle mistress,_Merlin thought. _But I suppose you do somethings right. Even if it's a fucked up last minute fix it job... I'll take it. _

There were worse people he could be wrapped in an eternal relationship with after all.

_Like Cenred..._

"I can practically hear your thoughts. Are you done unpacking?"

Merlin gestured to the stack of empty boxes and Arthur huffed, "Cheater."

Merlin snorted, "Work smarter, not harder."

Arthur huffed, "Are you going to unpack the rest of the house?"

Merlin snorted, "But we were supposed to unpack in halves..."

"Work smarter not harder."

Merlin laughed harder than he had in a long time. It echoed through the flat and swelled as Arthur's joined his alongside his. The flat was as happy as they were and for the span of their lives, they were never alone again.


	4. What About Now?

** So as I thought, 3 shot wasn't going to work. Maybe in another life I will master the art of a three part story. In this one it seems that at least four is necessary! Thank you kenya1234 for saying so. I completely agree... And I didn't want to really end it anyway. Surprises. To be honest, it practically wrote itself... which is a little more than telling that it probably should be.- Moving on!  
**

* * *

"_We are gathered here today to lay to rest a great and respected businessman,_" the preacher said. "_One Uther Pendragon who shall live on in our hearts as the man he was in life...now that the Lord has called him home._"

Merlin wanted to hug the man for the copious amount of avoiding the fact that Uther Pendragon was a terrible and evil man. He'd done a much better job that Merlin had expected given that he had very little to go on. But that didn't matter, as he turned to look at Arthur beside him. Nothing mattered if it wouldn't get that look of utter destruction off of Arthur's face.

Arthur didn't hear him, staring at the expensive black urn in his arms at a funeral of less than ten. They were just monotonous words formulated to sound nice when in reality Arthur may have felt better if the preacher just pronounced his father's terror on the world over, spit into the grave and walked away. It seemed like the man would have probably been happier about it too...Uther's remains were light in his arms and he thought it odd that all of that anger, hatred, and pride when burned at the proper temperatures weighed little more than a few kilograms in his arms. He had a feeling that if he was burying his mother, the urn would be too heavy for him to bear alone. It was an odd thing to think about while holding the remains of the man who raised you and fantasizing about a woman he'd never had the chance to meet. He felt Gwaine's hand on his shoulder and a gentle squeeze. Arthur stood in a solemn black flanked by Merlin and Gwaine. Gwen and Lancelot were there, Percival stood beside Gwaine, Morgana was there with Mordred, and Leon. Out of respect for Arthur they all wore pure black, dark make up, etc. There was no one else there and no one, save Arthur, had come to pay respects to the dead. They all had all the suits and trapping of woe, but he wondered if anyone there could honestly say they were sad to see him go... Arthur smiled bitterly in the midday sun.

When he'd gotten the news that his father was ill (much to Uther's protest) the doctors told him to prepare for the worst. They didn't know when, but they knew it was soon. He was sure that they meant prepare himself for what he would say to the fading man that may or may not allowed him to hold him as he took his final breaths, but Arthur didn't take that route as he was sure that anything that had to be said to the man, or could be said, had already been said. Anything that Arthur had waited his entire life to say, or to hear from the other, would not be said even on his death bed. It would have done no good to fantasize about something that would definitely didn't happen. So he did as exactly what they told him and imagined his father's funeral. He expected all of his business allies, his friends, the family to come. He imagined tears in waterfalls muddying the ground. He imagined the ground closing up and refusing to accept this reality, refusing to accept Uther's body because he would just wake up. He thought the sky would churn with rain to help hide his tears. He expected something more than this sense of fulfillment, he expected grief and agony.

He didn't feel anything.

There was no rain when Uther Pendragon died, nor did Arthur cry. The sky on the day of the man's funeral was bright and it was unusually warm. The breeze was cool, it wasn't muggy or sweltering, just pleasant enough that everyone wore light black clothing instead of what would have been customary given the time of year. He wondered then if on his mother's dying day (his birthday) had it rained? When they buried her, did the sky rip open with tears? He knew the answer of course, it always rained on his birthday, it had for his entire life. He didn't celebrate it at all, the only thing he did do was go to his mother's home and sit by her grave for a few hours in the rain. He talked to the statue, went through the photos hanging up around the house and had Morgana tell him stories about their mother. It had never been enough. He didn't think he'd have the same reaction on the same day next year. He didn't even know if the day that Uther died would be so ingrained in his psyche to make him remember it at all.

When he'd gotten the phone call over breakfast at his mother's family home, he heard the words and stared through the dead black years of everything he'd never gotten a chance to say and everything that should have been said. His father's guidance, nudging, pushing, and pulling, his oppression had come up with it and his stomach turned. He felt light... he felt at peace...He felt free. The feeling had frightened him greatly. He should have been mourning, he should have been rushing to the hospital or something, but he didn't have the energy for it. Just a sick feeling in the bit of his stomach like he was getting over the stomach flu and a heady lightness in his head.

"Arthur... are you alright?" Merlin asked across the table. He'd nodded and told him the he had to make a few phone calls and to carry on with breakfast.

He wasn't sure why he'd felt the need to lie to the man that could read him like an open book, but he did and went outside to lean against the house for strength and a sense of solidarity. His father was dead, yet no tears came. He wasn't sure if it was because he'd trained himself not to cry, or if he didn't have the emotions to foster tears, but it did not come. All his imaginings went unrealized as the sky was perfect, the wind was high, and there were children flying kites down the way. A scarlet red floated in the wind beside a dragon kite that swooped across the field and guided the smaller scarlet one with it. He could hear them laughing and wondered back on his years if he'd ever flown a kite. He realized that he hadn't and announced to Merlin that they should make kites and fly them since the weather was nice. It turned out that his mother had a stock of kites which were apparently used whenever she was feeling down.

Meredith told him that she and Morgana would go flying kites whenever the moment fancied them, especially when she was getting away from Uther's nonsense. When he walked into the collection room, his heart grew warm in his chest. It looked like nothing had been disturbed in years really, except the violently purple kite and the grey-ish blue one. He didn't know what shape they were, but from the colors alone Arthur guessed that they were Morgana's. He looked around at the myriad of tools and the craftsmanship of the one that caught his eye. It was a golden color, no doubt it was huge and looked like it had never been flown. Meredith informed him that it was the last kite his mother had made. She'd finished it the day she went into labor. He lifted the kite and spread it out to the beautiful stitch work and spread it out. His breath caught as carefully stitched letters became legible " Arthur". He felt the tingle in the back of the throat and lifted the kite up deciding that there was no reason not to give it a flight. Merlin chosen one that looked like a cloud and followed him outside. Merlin's cloud floated as if it had always been a part of the sky, and with a little help Arthur's dragon was soaring through the wind, wings spread and rushing. The letters were stitched into the back of the kite along the spine of the dragon and even at a distance it was spectacular. The scales weren't just golden but tinged red in places, the eyes were blue, it was a work of art. They spent the day running around, Arthur's dragging chasing around Merlin's cloud. They laughed and Arthur avoided the eventual return and the rest of his responsibilities for a moment. He didn't think of his father, he didn't think of anything really except what it would have felt like to run around the field with his mother, her kite (whatever form it was) rushing through the air with his and Morgana's. Their laughter feeling the sky...

He thought about what it would have meant for him to feel like a child and not an heir.

The skies stayed clear and the natural order of the world continued undisturbed. If anything, they seemed elated. When he'd made the decision to have him cremated, the flames lit like any other, but there was hunger in them that Arthur couldn't place. Maybe it was ironic that the force Uther had used on so many was claiming its payment on his body. His skull exploded out the back and Arthur watched the familiar face melt, decay and burn until it was no more. In minutes, the entire body was consumed in ash, scarped into the black urn he carried and he was carrying it towards the funeral site. Reporters swarmed, there were camera flashes, but no one asked him anything. He thought it may be because Percival was intimidating as hell, or they finally learned that somethings were better left until a few weeks after the body is buried.

He hadn't sent out invitations to the wake, or anything. He'd done it discretely as his father had left no will, no instructions for his remains and no instructions for the company either. Apparently, Uther hadn't expected to die. _Shocker there..._ The board of advisors were holding a meeting, and he would have to meet with his father's lawyer to settle everything, but for right now, he was laying to rest the remains of his father- of Uther Pendragon. There were no tears, the ground opened willingly and he set the urn in the small hole and covered it by hand. He would have laid Uther's kite there as well, but Igraine hadn't made one for her husband. He hadn't found anything in the house that was meant to be his, but picked a bouquet from the garden to decorate the small grave.

"Goodbye...Father," he said as the preacher finished his prayer and left the scene as if proximity to Uther's remains would poison him and he refused to die within ten miles of the man's burial site.

The funeral party stayed there for as long as it took for Arthur to stand. Merlin stayed by his side, kneeling with him and taking his hand for comfort. That was the irony of funerals he thought. They weren't for the dead. They were for the comfort of the living, one last act of honoring the ones that are laid to rest. A sense of peace and fulfillment of duty that comes with a proper burial... the comfort of being together with people that mourned as well. But even in this group, Arthur felt alone. No one was mourning save him... he wasn't really sure if he was mourning either. Mourning required a sense of relationship that he was sure he'd never developed with Uther. He found himself able to mourn Igraine, a woman he'd never met except for a few moments that he couldn't remember, but not Uther whom he'd known all his life.

"You don't have to pretend," Arthur said softly. "I know... you all aren't here to lay him to rest."

No one said anything.

"I know you all are here...because I'm here. You can go...if you wish."

"We aren't leaving you," Lancelot said. "We'll stay here until you can stand...Like always."

Arthur's mouth kicked sadly and he squeezed Merlin's hand who said nothing. That was so like Lancelot... so noble and like Lancelot...and so like his knights to stand by him even when they weren't really knights anymore. Another ten minutes passed before Arthur rocked up onto his feet, taking in his last sight of his father's grave before turning away and announcing that it was time to go. They headed back to their cars with the promise that they would see him bright and early Monday morning.

"Take care of him," Gwaine told Merlin. "He needs you."

Merlin smiled, "I know."

Arthur climbed into his car, waiting for Merlin to climb in with them and they sat for a moment. Merlin said nothing, watching him as Arthur stared out through the windshield. It happened in slow motion. Arthur's head leaned forward against the steering wheel, his eyes flickering through the years of his fathers words and pushing. A part of him wanted to think that Uther only wanted what was best for him... never for him to feel like he'd done his best. He shook his head, there was no point in thinking about that now considering he was an orphan now. There was no point in fantasizing, or searching for a brief moment of happiness or a good memory to cling to. He would find none, not even in his past lives.

He was an orphan... and orphaned heir (but not like Batman, it was more like that woman from the Russian story who'd come into an inheritance and out of spite rode her horse through the halls to fuck up the tile work). What an... oddly familiar feeling. It was awe inspiring and heartbreaking all at once.

"Arthur," Merlin said softly. "I could drive if you'd like..."

Arthur shook his head, "I just need a moment."

"I thought we were supposed to be talking more... no more secrets?"

"This isn't a secret...there's just... a lot of Uthers in my head right now... and they aren't much different from one another."

Merlin swallowed as his head turned towards the other window and out into the sunny day.

"It's amazing that my father has such a presence that he maintains himself across lifetimes...it's heartbreaking that not once when I buried him... did I ever feel... I mourned but not... it wasn't..."

He sighed again.

"It was never of a child mourning their parent... I never felt much different... It was a sense of loss of solidarity and direction but never the loss of a parent...I was mourning a commander. There was respect... and honoring... I can honestly say I tried to love my father... in all my lifetimes, but ... but I never felt that love returned."

Merlin nodded. He could see that and as he looked back through his own experiences of Uther Pendragon, he tried not to wince. He could understand that and he hated it more than anything. He took Arthur's hand and squeezed gently causing the man to fling himself back against his seat and breath in deeply.

"Does it hurt?"

"God, yes..."

"Let's go home..." Merlin told him. "There's no sense in staying in a graveyard..."

Arthur agreed, turned on the car, and headed towards the de Bois family house. They spent the rest of the day in practical silence. Neither had the stomach to eat anything and all Arthur wanted was to hold Merlin close to him and sleep. It was something that Merlin could oblige. The flew kites again Sunday afternoon and drove home on Sunday night. When they returned to work Monday morning, an odd atmosphere had settled over the place. There was a feeling of uncertainty. The C.E.O. was dead... he'd fired the man that had been solving the problem days before his death and they weren't sure whether to mourn or to celebrate? What would Arthur do? Could he do anything? Arthur walked through the ground floor, Merlin trailing behind him, greeting people as they made their way through. He stopped on every floor to make the same speech: "My father is dead. The decision has not been made about the future of this company as he had no will, but I promise you to fight to make sure you all keep your jobs. Thank you for being so loyal and attending your duties in this time of grievance."

When he was done, he marched into the board of advisors. Merlin squeezed his hand and told him that he would be near if he was needed. Arthur wanted more than anything for Merlin to come with him, but knew that wouldn't make any difference. He stole a kiss instead and walked in alone, clinging to that feeling of warmth throughout the discussion. It turned out that the board of directors wanted Arthur to take over, thought it was a good idea and were behind the decision one hundred percent. He figured it was probably because he'd halted the decline in company revenue and was responsible for the slow return to normalcy. His father's estates and things would be left to him, he was responsible for both the Pendragon mansion and all of his father's personal effects, just as he'd been responsible for his father's body. As the meeting wore on, the fact that Uther was really dead became a closer and closer reality.

_Uther is dead_.

"I always thought the old bastard would out live us all out of spite," Morgana admitted. "I would rather have him alive than see Arthur like this..."

Merlin sighed, but couldn't help but agree. Even without the layering of memories the two of them were experiencing, it had never been easy for Arthur to deal with Uther's death. They'd managed to carry on idle conversation about Morgana's business and her charity endeavor with Mithian while waiting for Arthur to emerge. Morgana's goal in life was to restore the arts to their rightful place in society... Mithian was focused on getting the orphanage system in order and with less fucked up outcomes. They were making plans for something like a school for the arts boarding school, or something like that. All the details hadn't been hashed out quite yet. Merlin gave points of contemplation for the sake of conversation and to keep himself from glancing at the observation monitor as they sat in the Knight's Room and waited. Minutes ticked by like hours and when the door finally opened and Arthur emerged, Merlin was the first person out of the break room to rush up the stairs and towards the hallway Arthur was coming down. They met in the hallway in front of Arthur's new office.

Arthur grimaced and motioned him to follow him into the office. Uther had made his own changes back to his office in the few days he'd been back in power. It was just like Arthur remembered it before he'd taken over and his system of organization had taken over the room. He didn't dare sit in that chair that probably still smelled like his father's cologne. He didn't want to really be in the room, but he really had no choice.

"I've been given everything," he said. "I'll have to pack up my father's house and sort through his belongings... "

Merlin was making a list but Arthur shook his head, reaching for him and pulling him down to sit against the door with him, blocking out the world as best he could.

"We... we need to talk..." Arthur said softly. "Not now obviously, but... soon. Right?"

Merlin nodded, "Yes."

"I'll make dinner, we'll have a picnic at my mother's house..."

"It's yours and Morgana's now..."

"Morgana lives there," Arthur replied. "I always felt weird about living there considering I'd never known her."

"It makes you calm to be there though..."

Arthur nodded, "It does. I like the kites... it's peaceful. I can see why she did it."

"She would want you to feel at home..."

"Have you... ever met her? You know besides that one time?"

Merlin winced, he didn't think it was a good idea to say so, but he nodded and Arthur looked at him.

"You've... you've met my mother?"

"The crystal cave... I spent a lot of time there."

"What... What was she like?"Merlin sighed as Arthur leaned against him, "Do we have time to talk a little now?"

Merlin glanced at his watch, "About an hour for lunch."

"Talk to me then... I just want to hear your voice."

He just wanted something permanent and honest and warm.

"Igraine de Bois is wonderful," Merlin said softly, throwing an arm around Arthur's shoulders and rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. "You get most of your looks from her... The blonde, the blue, your skin tone...Your voice too...She's beautiful."

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Because I'm looking through my memories in the crystal cave... where she exists forever... and I'm speaking of you where I can see her all the time."

"Me?"

"You look a lot like her, blondie."

He chuckled a little.

"She's kind and warm... she would have never let Uther treated you the way he did... You might have actually not needed me to bring you down a few pegs if she'd been alive."

He laughed again.

"She was fiesty though, with Uther. She never let him get away with anything," Merlin said. "She loved you."

"Tell me more..."

They spent the remainder of the lunch hour talking about Igraine. When Arthur went to sleep that night, she appeared to him, full formed and smiling. Opening her arms and singing to him softly words of a lullaby that was half formed and foggy as their kites floated in the wind. Hers was a peacock in brilliant colors floating along in the wind. He wondered if she sung to him while she was pregnant, he wondered many things about his mother. But the next time he walked into the de Bois family house he felt like he knew her better. All the staff only had glowing reviews for his mother, and anyone that could tell him about her from before Uther were dead or changed employers.

He felt another twinge of guilt and irony that he wanted to know so much more about his mother when his father died... To be fair, Uther had a violent temper with Arthur with anything concerning Igraine. He'd seen a photo of her once among his father's belongings and when he'd asked about it, he'd been beaten into near unconsciousness. He still had nightmares about it sometimes, but not so much anymore.

After a week of press conferences, addresses, rude reporters and the like, Uther's posthumous hype had finally died down. Thus, Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday would be the time to get the more emotionally taxing work of going through his father's house and taking care of everything done. He got changed after work and went to go pick up Merlin. Gwaine, Percival, Mordred, Morgana, Gwen, Lancelot and their few month old twins would be meet them there.

To say that Uther's house was a house would be an understatement. The Pendragon estate, passed down since before Uther's grandfather, was just that, an _estate_. The mansion was just under two hundred rooms. It rivaled Buckingham palace in size, the lands were a rich green, forested with apple and peach trees, a vineyard, and much more than that. Most food was grown on property and sold at other times. It was beautiful and just outside of London, not to far for a commute, but far enough that the noise and the smog of the city had no effect on it. The gates were opened upon their arrival and they drove up to steps. Gwen, who'd never been there before, gawked at the size of it.

"It's... huge..."

"It's the family house," Arthur shrugged. "Used to be a palace of some kind."

Merlin only laughed, it did, but it wasn't originally the Pendragon estate. The Pendragons had taken it over from someone and had kept it ever since, but that wasn't so new. It was the history of the family actually. When they got inside, Arthur called the staff to the main foyer to make the announcement. They wouldn't be losing their jobs which had been the source of shock for everyone. They watched the news, they knew Uther was dead and the company had been in a decline, but seeing the golden haired boy they'd watched grow up tell them that they would still have their jobs was more than they could hope for.

"Instead, it will converted into an orphanage and school for the arts under Morgana and Mithian's direction."

Mordred stifled a snicker as Morgana looked utterly floor. Arthur turned to her with a grin.

"I'm giving it to you."

"Wha... how did you-"

"Mithian," he said in explanation. "This weekend we're clearing out anything of my father's or is not conducive to what this place is to become."

He hopped down off the table with a grin and announced that it was time to get to work. Most of the second floor had been where his father stayed. Arthur's old room was on the far side of the building. Miriam, one of the oldest workers of the mansion, promised them that dinner would be ready within the hour. Arthur told her not to rush, they'd have dinner with the staff which was sure to be a few hours later than intended.

Everyone took a room, armed with trash bags, empty boxes and duct tape. Merlin's phone played loud enough for Morgana to hear it across the hall, Arthur had a stereo going that was synched with it to blast it within the general area. Gwen and Lancelot's room were filled with humming along and rhythmic babbling of the twins. By the time dinner was done, they were already sliding things down the stairs on the dolly that Gwaine and Merlin rigged to carry things up and down the stairs, including people, babies, and boxes.

Dinner was an affair of laughter and it wasn't hollow for a change. Even Arthur found himself laughing hard at the memories Miriam and the other brought up of him and Morgana running around the mansion, playing hide and seek as children when their father was away. When Gwaine had been introduced to them as a cousin, the shenanigans only got worse. Arthur laughed hard enough to sputter soup through his nose and onto Gwaine who huffed, wiped it off and pouted.

"Why is it always me?"

"Because you're always there," Arthur told him with a grin and an apology.

Gwaine huffed but carried on with the mini party anyway. Pretty soon, all the festivities were over. The dishes were washed and put awy and people headed to their rooms. Only Arthur and Merlin stayed up in a small fort of blankets and pillows in the grand ball room with a tablet between them playing tic-tac-toe and making plans about reformatting the room for dance studios.

"A moveable wall," Arthur said claiming the center spot. "Only real way to do it. I mean what about prom and gatherings."

Merlin rolled his eyes, "Prom... what a bloody useless event."

Arthur pouted, "Hey, I enjoyed prom!"

"Were you prom King?"

Arthur huffed, "No."

"You're lying," Merlin said. "Well... maybe not if Lancelot was in the running."

"He wasn't actually, he was dating Gwen and didn't go to prom... Everyone else got to go out and party and I... well I was stuck with someone named Vivian who really needed to shut up."

"Friend of the family?"

"You guessed it- Merlin that's cheating!"

Merlin rolled his eyes, "It's not cheating. I won."

He huffed. He'd had the perfect strategy, yet Merlin won anyway.

"Not fair."

"It's okay," Merlin told him. "Try not to let it wound you too much."

Arthur grinned and looked at him, but the startling happiness was fading almost as quickly as it had come and Arthur cleared his throat.

"Is this... when we talk for real?"

"It's a little odd to think of spilling secrets of a millenia in the ballroom of the Pendragon house when you would have killed me at some point."

Arthur winced, "Is that a no?"

"Only if you want it to be."

Arthur looked at him, afraid of what Merlin would tell him but wanting to know all the same, "What... what happened?"

"A lot, you'll have to be more specific..."

Arthur sighed again, "Let's... start from the beginning then. How often did you save my life?"

"Lost count, at least three times a week on average."

"And you never thought to say anything about it?"

"I never thought to willingly be executed because of that, no."

"You never..." Arthur's voice faded. Thinking of how Merlin must have felt in that life time alone... always... always being so alone. Always having to hide behind that silly smile. "It was hard wasn't it?"

"Not really..."

"Merlin," Arthur urged, sliding a hand over his and pulling him close. "Don't lie to me..."

Merlin rolled his eyes, "I'm fine-"

"And I'm the King of England."

"... Well yes. Once and Future."

Arthur growled, kissing him for his snarkiness and planting himself half way on Merlin who groaned.

"God, you're still fat!"

"I am not!"

"You're so heavy... crushing me... can't... _breathe_..."

Arthur shook his head at Merlin's antics and waited for him to stop laughing to look at him, "Stop trying to distract me. Fine people don't dive into lakes and promise to slit their throats in the next lifetime."

He winced at that and looked away, "So... I had a moment of angst."

"You had more than a moment, try a couple lifetimes worth."

Merlin huffed and conceded the point. He was fairly sure he'd had a suicide attempt at least once every lifetime. If not more. The problem was that it never fucking worked.

"Talk to me," Arthur said, kissing him gently.

"What do you want me to say...?"

"Whatever you feel you need to. I just want to know... what you went through. I just want to understand."

Merlin took a moment to think, before looking back into familiar blue eyes full of love and patience. He curled up against Arthur's chest, burrowing into his warmth and listening to his heart beating strong in his chest.

"I thought I was the emotionally stunted one."

"When you get used to hiding everything, you can't expect me to just burst into song..."

"I'm not expecting you to. I know it will take a while but... but you have to start somewhere."

"I'm not sure you want to hear the truth."

"I don't want you to lie to me... I'm stronger than I look Merlin."

Merlin bit his lip. There was too much that would happen if he granted this wish. Too much that Arthur wouldn't be able to understand, wouldn't be able to handle. He wasn't really sure that he could handle dredging it up after all this time... Facing it.

"Start anywhere, I'm listening."

Merlin sighed and closed his eyes, glancing up at him, "You're sure about this?"

"I'm sure. I want to know."

"Do you understand what you're asking me to do?" Merlin asked looking at him steadily. Blue eyes vanished and reappeared in a flash and Arthur nodded.

Merlin was sure that he didn't, but he didn't bother to correct him. If they were ever to be as they should be, if they were ever going to be honest, Merlin had to go first as it was him that had the most to hide. So he closed his eyes, relaxed his guard and let the words come as they may.

"Running around after you, running around for Gaius, never having a moment's peace between _MERLIN! _and my stupid destiny. Or maybe you'd like it post-your first death, when I left Avalon and went to the Crystal cave and stayed there, growing old and withering but never dying? Calling for you, expecting you to appear but never did. My father appeared, your mother appeared, _Freya _ appeared, but you never did."

Arthur bit his lip, hugging him a little tighter as the trembling started, but Merlin voice stayed steady and firm. The words were getting softer, they were floating away from him as he sunk down into the deep oblivion of his lives and all the truth that he could never face, hadn't had the strength to protect himself from. He thought it a little ironic.

"You never came Arthur... you never came..." He said. "I can remember when Camelot fell. It was raining so hard and I... I couldn't do anything to help them. No one had any faith anymore... All the magic users save me had done everything they could, or died out, and they were just waiting for it to end. I ran to Avalon thinking, surely you were awake. Surely, you'd come, but there was nothing. Not even a ripple out of place as the rain fell. _He_ screamed, I called for you... and you never came. You never came... You never came for him..."

Arthur's insides jumped at the change. There was something happening to Merlin's voice. It was darker, raspier maybe. _He?_

"And when you did come, it wasn't because he'd called you, or I called you. It was an enlistment call. People that would never know you, only in legend, people that could never fathom everything behind their world could call you from death, but he couldn't. Merlin couldn't even get you to come to the Crystal Cave, yet he couldn't do anything when you were there. It was like stepping back into the past and it felt like home and hell all at the same time."

Home and hell?

"Who is _he_?"

Merlin made a noise and Arthur felt something like terror. It was his voice more than the "he" and "I". It had grown cold just as Merlin had started this rant. His body seemed alert to him, but not really embracing him and he felt a bit warm to touch. It was relaxed in his arms with a languid grace that he would have never associated with Merlin. Something told him that whatever was happening was deeper than he anticipated.

"Pretty soon I took home in hell... and it was comforting in a way... The pain was much better than feeling nothing or having him lose control and spiral into madness... Once was enough...But it never lasted, the despair always came back, the loneliness because he always had to be there to drag you to Avalon, to bury you, to deliver your message to Gwen... Because you would want that... and every time he tried to go too, the sword would break against me. He couldn't swallow the pills, the lake would cough him up, explosions would miss, bullets stopped as the exited the gun. A _shotgun _missed at point blank... But he didn't stop trying... even when he was with you. He didn't stop trying to die before you. Walking into fire, suicide missions he became a little more than suicidal and I became an adrenaline junky. He had a death wish and no one was granting it until they saw fit."

Arthur stroked his hair, soft waves and sniffed back tears. _He? __I? _ who was talking about.

"This was the first that you actually had to save him... Had you not come he would have died... I wasn't going to save him, he didn't want me to. He was stronger than ever about it, clamping me down, he's much stronger in his lifetime. Much stronger and much more fragile too... But that's because you never came to save him, I always had to. When he needed you most, you weren't there, _I _was. And now he doesn't really want you at all. How's that for irony? You never come when he wants you, but you come when he doesn't."

A moment of silence passed between them, "But he can never hate you. He can't help but love you... so I have to keep protecting him... from _you_."

Arthur took in a breath, the light flickered around them he breathed, "Merlin... who is _he_?"

The movement was slow, fluid. Merlin sat forward and looked up and the lights went dark. The golden irises that shouldn't have been there beamed out and chilled Arthur cold. Dear God...

"Do you understand now, Pendragon?" He asked. "Do you understand now what he went through?"

Arthur could only stare, "I... I... Merlin."

A slow smile spread and familiar and uncanny lips pecked his own, drawing it across his mouth and up his jawline, "_mmm... _something like that... You can call my Emrys if it gets too confusing..."

"Merlin...what... what is this?"

"This is what you wanted... you asked for the truth. You asked for me..."

Arthur shook his head, cupping Merlin's face in his palms, "I never asked for this... I never asked for this."

Merlin only smiled, "Don't worry Pendragon, he can hear you... it's just that whatever you say won't hurt him... What ever happens now won't hurt him... You'll only make my job easier."

"Your job?"

He grinned again, moonlight twisted through the high windows and spilled across his face. He was beautiful and completely demonic. It was terrifying, Arthur didn't know what to do. What to say...

"He wants you to know that he will never hate you."

"I wish you would... it would make it more nonsensical."

"Sense is apparently overrated," he replied.

"Did you...Do you still think of... of-"

"Killing himself?"

"Yes..."

Merlin shrugged, "It pops up as a good option every now and again."

"Merlin," Arthur started. "Don't... don't do that..."

"Do what?" He asked, with that voice that wasn't his Merlin. This wasn't Merlin, this was some other thing that he'd created. Had it been that terrible to deny every sense of himself?

"Trivialize it."

"But it is trivial, if he's learned one thing, if you've taught him anything, its that he is trivial."

Arthur blinked and smacked him across the face. Merlin didn't respond, looking at him before Arthur swooped in to kiss him soundly. He trembled in frustration and rage and helplessness. Merlin's body didn't react as if he felt nothing, as he saw nothing.

"You are not trivial," Arthur whispered. "Don't you ever say that. Don't even think it."

"Is that an order, sire?"

Arthur's eyes flashed with anger, "Merlin, don't test me."

"You asked for the truth, so let's continue," Merlin started with a smile that was so dark and so alien it made Arthur's heart stop for a while. This was something else, some other Merlin. Dear God...

"His most frequent, and my favorite, death fantasy was something like this..."

Merlin maneuvered Arthur's hands around his throat and clenched them to feel the pressure of Arthur's hands on the cusp of choking him. "Or you watching him burn at the stake."

Arthur yanked his hands back, staring wide eyed at him at Merlin's dreamy and dark expression. He backpedadled across the floor with Merlin prowling after him on his hands and knees. The movements were so graceful and beautiful, but terrifying.

"Merlin..." he stuttered. "Merlin you're scaring me..."

Merlin shrugged, "You wanted to know how he dealt with things... I deal with them, I deal with everything inside here. He's got quite the imagination."

The tapping wasn't what made Arthur's stomach lurch. It was the shape of Merlin's hand as a gun, the exit chamber, tapping against his temple where was sure would kill him if Merlin's thumb was actually a trigger. Merlin mouthed "bang" as he flexed his thumb with a dark smile.

"Brain matter like rain-"

"Stop it."

"So much blood-"

"Stop it."

"So much quiet, and peace-"

"Stop it!"

"And _freedom._" Merlin moaned at the sound of the word on his tongue and Arthur swallowed hard watching him.

He'd expected a lot... He expected some crying, some sobbing, he didn't expect an entire change in persona who writhed and flushed at the thought of shooting himself in the head.

"Merlin... is this how you stopped being angry?"

Merlin laughed, "Anger, such a silly thing. When I was in that cave with Agravaine... I wasn't angry. I was _loyal._"

Arthur blinked, "L-Loyal..."

"I killed Agravaine... He'd planned to... Well, _I'd _planned to. He didn't really want to. He's a merciful soul. But Agravaine survived the first throw... went on about us being alike and he just _lost it_... and I killed him. He would have been a catatonic mess when you arrived if I hadn't spirited away those words. To be fair, Agravaine pulled a knife on him. He thought he was faster... _bet he thought it._"

Arthur felt his stomach churn and he gasped at the simmering gold of Merlin's eyes. Their eyes met and he smiled.

"Do you understand, Arthur Pendragon? Do you understand?"

"Oh Merlin..."he whispered in horror. "Merlin..."

His eyes narrowed and Merlin stood, heading towards the door. He'd known that it would happen, that Arthur wouldn't able to deal with. That he wouldn't want to deal with it. He decided it was better to leave before Merlin woke up to something like "sorcerer" and "you're insane". He had a destiny to protect and if Merlin couldn't be healed by Arthur, he'd have to get stronger to make it to the next life. That was always the mentality and everytime he'd sewn together the broken pieces of Merlin, he lost a little more. Merlin was a little duller and he swore that he had to carry the little broken pieces and the little shreds of light, keep them safe, keep them warm, keep them glowing. If the light went out, then everything was over.

Arthur reacted immediately, scrambling across the floor after him, wrapping his arms around him to stop him midstride, he hadn't made it a step away from Arthur, before he was dragging the thinner man back and down to the floor. Warmth pressing up against his back, around his waist and across his chest. Wet, warmth, and salt slid down his neck and into his shirt dampening it. Merlin felt it, but it was the trembling that brought his attention into focus on the words.

"_I'm sorry," _Arthur sobbed pitifully into his shoulder. "I've done this to you... It's all my fault, oh Merlin... _Please_..."

His eyes narrowed and he fought against the embrace but Arthur didn't let him go, pulling him against him, rocking him gently. He didn't like this at all, what the hell was Pendragon trying to pull?

"_Merlin,_" Arthur whispered. "_Merlin, my love...come back okay? Come back and talk to me..._"

"Why would I let him get hurt again? Why should I let you in?" He asked.

"_Tell me it's not too late_," Arthur pleaded, turning Merlin in his arms so they could see each other. The eyes were dimming, fading back to blue, but Arthur didn't see it. "I'm so sorry, I've done this to you... How could I have done this to you?... "

He didn't know what to say as Arthur pulled him against him and he felt Merlin stepping out of the shadows. He was so timid, so scared, but the sound of Arthur's weeping, apologizing, promising to make it right no matter how long it took, no matter what he had to do, had drawn him out of the shadows.

_You can't be serious! What happens if he breaks you again?_

Merlin shook his head, he didn't know. But he supposed that he would just be broken. The other sighed and shrugged stepping aside and letting Merlin through. He supposed that this really was the last chance, and only chance, that Arthur would get to save his future and save them both so he guessed they might as well take it. Besides, Arthur Pendragon didn't cry unless it was absolutely necessary.

"It's okay, now... It's okay..." Arthur whispered, his tears falling in grief as the other remained rigid in his arms. "It's okay, everything's alright now... I'm here. I love you. _Please Merlin_, I'll make it right... I promise... I'll make it right."

The gold vanished from his eyes and Merlin came into feeling Arthur's tears on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around him. Merlin reached up, twining his arms around Arthur, rubbing soothing circles. It was odd that he was comforting Arthur from the realization that Merlin had lost his mind somewhere a long the way. But he supposed, Merlin took just as much comfort in the fact that Arthur was so pained by Merlin's situation. Apparently, he was a man worth Arthur's tears.

"Shhh," Merlin hushed. "Don't be such a baby..."

Arthur made a sound and pulled him closer, crushing him with warmth and tenderness, "Talk to me... be angry with me. I did this to you..."

Merlin shook his head, "I did it to myself... to be stronger. To function no matter how much I wanted to. I had faith in you Arthur, that's all."

"And now?"

"I always will."

Arthur swallowed hard around the thickness in his throat, "I love you Merlin... I'll make it right, I promise."

"I know you'll try... and that's really all I ever wanted."

They didn't say much more that night, Arthur falling asleep on the floor in a mess of blankets and pillows, curled up to one another. In the morning, they worked to get the rest of it moved out of the mansion and turn over the place for inspection for Mithian and Morgana's team. They carted everything to storage to be gone through later. The staff of the house bid them all goodbye with warmth and pies for their trips and weeks. Merlin and Arthur shared a blackberry and rum pie with a pint of ice cream, curled up together on Arthur's bed Sunday night. The day after was a company holiday.

"I was serious when I said you should move in with me."

"My lease isn't up for another month."

"Is that a yes?"

Merlin blinked, "Well who else is going to keep you from getting fat. I'd hate to have to add another hole to that belt..."

Arthur laughed a little at it and pulled him closer, breathing in his scent, "Could I ask something?"

"Yes, you met my magic. Kind of psychotic isn't she?"

"_She?_"

"Yes, she... she likes you... she just doesn't like that I won't get angry with you."

Arthur winced, "I'm sorry."

"If you apologize again you'll be sorry."

Arthur's eyebrow lifted as he squeezed the other, "What will happen now?"

Merlin shrugged, "Guess I'll find out when I go to sleep."

"You haven't slept?"

"Not since last week."

Arthur huffed, turning off the lights and pulled the blankets over them.

"Good night, Merlin."

Merlin rolled his eyes and relaxed against the warm body beside him. Again he didn't sleep, woken up several times during the night, jumping up. Arthur had pulled him back down every time and for a while he would doze again. He knew what was happening, they'd talked about it. She was letting everything go for him to deal with... now that he had Arthur, or at least they hoped he had Arthur, there was no reason to hide it all from him. It was around four in the morning when Merlin woke up screaming. Arthur was awakened by his movement and pulled him close to shake him free of the nightmare. Merlin trembled staring into the eyes of someone that was no longer there.

"All those people..."

"Merlin-"

"All that blood... so much blood...I couldn't... I didn't... I didn't want to... Morgana... there was no other way. I had to... I had no choice... I-"

"Merlin!"

Merlin turned his eyes brimming with tears and Arthur pulled him up against him and told him to cry and scream and beat on him, to yell and be angry and it would be okay. The sobbing started, the heart-wrenching, body wracking and exhaustive sobbing that edge on hoarse screaming.

"The people I killed for you! In your name... In the name of Camelot... in the name of Albion... all those people! All the- I-"

Merlin hiccuped slamming his fists hard into Arthur's chest, intending to do as much damage as possible. Arthur let him, because he deserved it.

"I'm all fucked up because of you! I hate you! I hate you so much! I hate you! I hate what I became because of you! You and that damned dragon! I wished I'd never met you! I wish I'd never met you!"

It went on that way for what Arthur would swear was hours. Merlin screamed about everything, every stab, ever poisoning, the time he was raped and nearly beaten to death. Arthur knew he'd be black and blue by morning but he waited until all the anger had seeped from Merlin and he lay against him too tired and too emotionally drained to do much else.

"I love you," Arthur told him, drawing him up against him and stroking his hair. He kissed his temples. "I thank you for everything you've done for me, but please... don't blame yourself. You had no other choice and I... can never fault you for the things you've done or had to do to survive...I wish that you didn't have to do that, but I would rather have you here in my arms than have never met you at all."

Merlin sniffled as Arthur continued to stroke his hair and whispered words of comfort and love through the night until he finally fell asleep. Arthur slipped down to rest Merlin against his chest and breathed out into the early dawn light. He was completely winging this, but he figured that getting Merlin to sleep was the first hurdle on a very long journey that they would have to face together.

When Arthur woke up, Merlin was in the kitchen, making breakfast. Humming as he chopped and allowed his magic to stir the pot of oat meal and wash fruit. Arthur walked and practically started the man, the bowl of fruit clattered in the sink and Merlin froze. Arthur took the chance to kiss him soundly against the counter.

"Carry on," he said. Merlin did so hesitantly at first, knowing that Arthur was watching him with a glass of water in hand, propped against the counter. "I'm guessing you healed me this morning..."

Merlin flushed, "I'm sorry."

"No, I deserved it... and you needed it."

Merlin didn't say anything, but Arthur slid up behind him, to wrap his arms around him to tell him the truth. He didn't know what he was doing, to be quite honest the idea of going in blind scared the hell out of him. But he was doing it because he loved Merlin, and after all the times that Merlin has saved his Royal arse, it was his turn to save the warlock. Of course Merlin didn't hear it, because Arthur didn't say it. He didn't need to. He stretched his hand across Merlin's abs, feeling the fluttering muscles underneath. His other hand rested against Merlin's chest, drawing him back as he placed soft, trembling kisses along his neck. Merlin shivered at the tenderness and warmth while flipping ham in the skillet.

"Okay," Merlin said, but that didn't stop Arthur's gentle kissing. It didn't stop Arthur from doing anything, as soon as the oven was turned off, Merlin was in his arms, sliding up and down as Arthur thrust into him gently, slowly. He took his time, pinning Merlin against the couch, making sure he was comfortable, before the long, deep, and slow onslaught of pleasure.

"B-Breakfast will get cold..."

"Microwave," Arthur countered without missing a thrust. It took Merlin three hours to stop seeing spots and to feel his legs again after Arthur finally let him come. The meat had gone cold and everything that he'd been prepping had been set aside as they panted on the couch.

"Sexual healing," Arthur said before Merlin asked the question. "Sex therapy."

Merlin blinked at the off hand reference, but laughed, tossing his head back against the pillow and letting it fill the flat with sound as he lay exhausted. Sex therapy in deed. Arthur laughed hard with him, they ate breakfast and Arthur told him that there was something he needed to do. Merlin told him to give him a pair of crutches. They climbed into Arthur's car, Merlin on shaky legs, and drove back to the cemetery where Arthur buried Uther and walked towards it. He pulled Merlin along and the kneeled at the grave.

"I can't devote my life to you with this cloud still hanging over my head," Arthur told him before taking his hand and squeezing hard in Merlin's breathlessness before looking at the grave.

"I think it's pitiful that I had to wait until you died to get a chance to speak to you and you actually listen," Arthur started with a grin. "But that's okay, that's just how you were. Miriam told me it's why Mum left, and I was why she left finally... how I got here. She told me everything. I wished I'd heard it from you, at least then I may have kept some shred of respect for you...

I'm giving the Pendragon castle to Morgana. I know how much you'd hate that, but I don't care. She's a Pendragon too. Miriam told me about that too. It's interesting that all of your lies come out in death... So while you're dead I'm going to tell you everything you never though possible and when I leave this place, I want you to know that I may never come back, I don't hate you, and I will be happy. Camelot will be the greatest company ever and when I die, it will be placed in the hands of someone who knows what they're doing. You're probably ranting away in that urn of yours, but I don't care."

Silence passed a little longer, but Arthur squeezed his hand and took a breath and carried on.

"I love Merlin," he told him. "I've never been straight, Vivian was a witch and all my life you've kept me from being the only thing I ever wanted: me. I sing because it makes me happy, Holy Grail has been going on since high school and it's gotten more good P.R. than any philanthropic misadventure you'd ever had. I tried to love you, Father. I really did, but you made that impossible. You made it completely and utterly impossible. But I tried anyway and I tried to earn to affection in return... It's only now I realized that it would have never happened. You love me as your con, your heir, another version of you, you never loved me as Arthur. It's only now that I say this knowing that you won't have anything to say after... it's only now that I can tell you the truth. I know why Morgana hates you and I always said that I couldn't hate you... But I don't think I can ever forgive you, Father. I don't think you deserve forgiveness either. I can't love you father. I can honestly say that I can't love you, but I don't hate you. You were the only parent I've ever known, for some of the things you've taught me I am grateful. For the experiences we've had... I can't say the same, but i am grateful that I had the chance to meet you, to know you. To know exactly what not to be and for that I am grateful.

I'm going to marry Merlin, and we're going to be happy. So damn happy you'll be sick with it in Avalon, or where ever you are. Morgana and Mordred are going to have kids and if they want it, if they can handle it, I'll pass it to them. I'm going to be practically everything you never wanted me to be and I'm going to love every minute of it. I won't think of you any longer. I won't doubt myself. I won't hear your voice. This is where I buried you, and this is where you'll stay. Good bye, Father. Maybe next time, you'll remember this."

Arthur got up, pulling Merlin along and headed back towards the car. His walked was a confident light-hearted sauntering. There was no hesitation, no second look back as Arthur turned on the car and drove to the de Bois household, where they could hear Morgana's happy screaming in the distance and Mordred's laughing. They walked back to see Morgana's kite , a beautifully soaring fairy with flutter wings, floating in the wind, tied to her wrist as she hugged and kissed Mordred.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"Ugh, get a room will you Morgana?!" Arthur yelled teasingly.

Morgana flicked him off rather than interrupting her kiss with Mordred who sunk to the ground with her rather than lose his balance and get them both hurt. Merlin watched the small family scene at a distance.

_Marry Arthur?_

Merlin flushed and Arthur turned back to look at him with a rougish grin.

"Yes Merlin, marry. How else am I supposed to give you constant sex therapy?"

Morgana and Mordred laughed at Merlin's embarrassed face as he glowered at Arthur for embarrassing him.

"Shut up and I'll turn you into a frog."

"... don't you mean _or_?"

Merlin grinned, "No, I mean _and_."

"You'll turn me into a handsome prince right?"

"I don't think that's possible... reversing spells isn't my strong suit. You're make an adorable golden frog though... we'll have to change Camelot's symbol to a frog. Not that much of a jump really, reptilian and all...I'd take really good care of you, give you plenty of flies to eat you know?"

Arthur grinned and sidled up to Merlin, lifting him into his arms, "Ribbet... but I'd rather eat you for the rest of my life instead."

Merlin blinked and they shared a moment of understanding before Merlin looked away. He was fairly sure that wasn't a good idea.

"Stop thinking," Arthur said, sliding a ring around his finger. "We're already two sides of the same coin, let's make it official."

"So romantic..."

"The Arthurian Romance wasn't very romantic at alll-"

"Shut up," Merlin growled.

"You could add it to your paper: _the homosexual undertones of Merlin and Arthu-_"

"Shut up or i'll say no!"

Arthur grinned, "You wouldn't."

Merlin shook his head and stomped away in mock anger, but he didn't take the ring off. Arthur was right, he'd never.


End file.
